transformation...
when a transformation is physical it is easily visible. but how does one track transformations that are inner?
there was a time when i didn't need to answer that question. i knew. even when nothing was visible i felt it. now confused and disoriented i wonder often. how will i know?
the city is less strange than it used to be. its a city i can lose mySelf in. a pleasant and unpleasant feeling. its a city where sometimes i yearn for deeper connections like i never yearned before. its also still a city where i feel i am not living the life i want to live. hearing a long time resident of this city say the same made me feel - relieved i guess. we are still seeking the life we want to live?
a worry gnaws me. i don't know where it comes from but it is visible - in the tensed muscles of my forehead, the circles under my sunken eyes. the lips that turn down and need reminders to turn up. its harder some weeks to really find the smile under all that anxiety. the breath that comes easily and breathes itself. i don't know what the worry is. something from a distant future that grips me.
i think i am transforming but i cannot track it. the butterfly is a completely different life form from the larva, the pupa. the pupa, the still stage - it looks still at least - but more is going on then at the very cellular level. the butterfly is nothing like the caterpillar. most butterflies die is a few weeks. a few weeks of free spirited flying and creating. in some ways the easiest energy to be.
sometimes i don't value the pupa enough. sometimes i love it the best.
i think i am a caterpillar today. feeding frenzy. no i am the observer. a scattered one though.
when a transformation is physical it is easily visible. but how does one track transformations that are inner?
there was a time when i didn't need to answer that question. i knew. even when nothing was visible i felt it. now confused and disoriented i wonder often. how will i know?
the city is less strange than it used to be. its a city i can lose mySelf in. a pleasant and unpleasant feeling. its a city where sometimes i yearn for deeper connections like i never yearned before. its also still a city where i feel i am not living the life i want to live. hearing a long time resident of this city say the same made me feel - relieved i guess. we are still seeking the life we want to live?
a worry gnaws me. i don't know where it comes from but it is visible - in the tensed muscles of my forehead, the circles under my sunken eyes. the lips that turn down and need reminders to turn up. its harder some weeks to really find the smile under all that anxiety. the breath that comes easily and breathes itself. i don't know what the worry is. something from a distant future that grips me.
i think i am transforming but i cannot track it. the butterfly is a completely different life form from the larva, the pupa. the pupa, the still stage - it looks still at least - but more is going on then at the very cellular level. the butterfly is nothing like the caterpillar. most butterflies die is a few weeks. a few weeks of free spirited flying and creating. in some ways the easiest energy to be.
sometimes i don't value the pupa enough. sometimes i love it the best.
i think i am a caterpillar today. feeding frenzy. no i am the observer. a scattered one though.
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