circling

end of year gnawings get stronger as the day approaches. i look back over my 2012 and feel disappointed. i feel i circled and circled and haven't moved along. i know i have strayed away from some imaginary path i was on. but who is to say that this straying too is not just part of the path and the plan? 

are our lives part of some grand plan? what plan is this where we struggle to eat, drink and chase some dream sent to us through our tv's about the ideal life - which is never ideal because somebody always has something we don't - even if it only that imaginary family in the tv ad?

i stopped wanting things that those ads sell. yet i have more clothes in my cupboard than i need and still have days when i have nothing to wear. and i have grand insecurities and fears.

what i want most is to find why i came here to this earth in this body. to know where my life with all its strayings and wrong turns is leading me. there is no goal, some say, the path is the goal. then is just this searching really the goal? 

its hard though to believe that. i see so many people who seem to be living their purposes, doing exactly that one thing that they are perfect for. are those people more evolved souls? souls that have searched for lifetimes for their purposes and then arrived one day on this earth and very early in life begun to pursue what they are meant to do and be?

not me. i seem entrenched in heavy, dark, confused energies. it feels like there have been a few years that i have lived some purpose but only a few. are the rest wasted years? is the time a butterfly spends in the pupa stage wasted time? my fathers spirit once came to me and said 'don't be afraid to waste your life.' 

but i am afraid. afraid to lie dying and feel that all i have done in this life is circled. rilke's words come to me now giving me some solace

I live my life in widening circles

that reach out across the world.

I may not complete this last one

but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.

I've been circling for thousands of years

and I still don't know: am I a falcon,

a storm, or a great song?

perhaps my circles are widening, covering more space. perhaps my inner space grows too and yes, all i can do is give myself to this one today and maybe one day i too might know who or what i am meant to become.