the high point of my week was two hours of training in the dojo yesterday.
my mind was twisted into tense knots thinking of delhi and what it is to be a woman in that city. singapore is such a safe city. all day i tried to focus on work but thoughts would bubble up and then the tiring rage. the heavy feeling of looking at the needed change, a change so huge that it was hard to comprehend and know what the first step might be. How do you change a culture of domination and aggression to one of nurturing? i was tired of reading analysis - we indians are excellent at analysing what's wrong with our country but suggestions of processes for change are few. i wanted my mind to shut down.
i walked along the ecp and the sky and sea soothed me. but the oppressive pain in the front of my head would not leave. i began training and my mind had to relax its hold as i focused on my body and my movements. after the junbi undo we did more than hour of hojo undo interspersed with bag work. hard punches and kicks. i hadn't been sleeping well for days. i was exhausted. i kicked and kicked more. i thought i would drop, my head reeled and my pressure felt strange. suddenly i wasn't in my body anymore but it was performing the actions - relentlessly. i was out of myself and felt i could go on forever. i couldn't hear what people were saying to me and my eyes were out of focus. but finally for a while my mind emptied.
such moments of emptiness are peak experiences. sometimes through intense pain and exhaustion something lets go and for a moment you know that nothing else is important except that moment. everything disappears but that moment. a perfect moment that will soon disappear too.
the thoughts and heaviness are back. but i want to grapple with them.
what's ahead? a lot of out of the box thinking and hard work - to first be the change i want to see and then facilitate it in my land.
my mind was twisted into tense knots thinking of delhi and what it is to be a woman in that city. singapore is such a safe city. all day i tried to focus on work but thoughts would bubble up and then the tiring rage. the heavy feeling of looking at the needed change, a change so huge that it was hard to comprehend and know what the first step might be. How do you change a culture of domination and aggression to one of nurturing? i was tired of reading analysis - we indians are excellent at analysing what's wrong with our country but suggestions of processes for change are few. i wanted my mind to shut down.
i walked along the ecp and the sky and sea soothed me. but the oppressive pain in the front of my head would not leave. i began training and my mind had to relax its hold as i focused on my body and my movements. after the junbi undo we did more than hour of hojo undo interspersed with bag work. hard punches and kicks. i hadn't been sleeping well for days. i was exhausted. i kicked and kicked more. i thought i would drop, my head reeled and my pressure felt strange. suddenly i wasn't in my body anymore but it was performing the actions - relentlessly. i was out of myself and felt i could go on forever. i couldn't hear what people were saying to me and my eyes were out of focus. but finally for a while my mind emptied.
such moments of emptiness are peak experiences. sometimes through intense pain and exhaustion something lets go and for a moment you know that nothing else is important except that moment. everything disappears but that moment. a perfect moment that will soon disappear too.
the thoughts and heaviness are back. but i want to grapple with them.
what's ahead? a lot of out of the box thinking and hard work - to first be the change i want to see and then facilitate it in my land.
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