2012 dragged heavily through scattered days. i just want this year to end. it makes no sense to feel that the dense and difficult energy i feel belongs not to me but to 2012. it makes no sense that i believe that it will disappear with the year and a new easy, light energy will fill up my days.
i look back at 2012 and find that i cannot recall any highs. i found the writer in 2012 - an exciting new undeveloped energy. i finished the first draft of my first novel in august and for a bit, maybe a month, i felt terrific. but then the high faded and as i tackle the revision and the rewrite i find the flow of words disappearing into underground aquifers too deep to reach.
as the year ends i both tend to get anxious about digging those wells to tap the ground water and being content allowing moments to flow as they do in, sometimes deep and sometimes frivolous, connection with others. but in the mornings when i am alone and the day looms ahead the pressure to find those inner springs builds into dull headaches that feel stony hard.
thats when i sit paralysed staring at the empty white space. or i quickly pull on sneakers and head for a run. sweating away the petrification, loosening the inner stiffness but also losing the essence of something precious imbedded in that unyielding rock that my mind has turned into. i wish that i allow myself time to remain with the impenetrable hardness soon.
but not today. again take the easy way out and head outdoors.
i look back at 2012 and find that i cannot recall any highs. i found the writer in 2012 - an exciting new undeveloped energy. i finished the first draft of my first novel in august and for a bit, maybe a month, i felt terrific. but then the high faded and as i tackle the revision and the rewrite i find the flow of words disappearing into underground aquifers too deep to reach.
as the year ends i both tend to get anxious about digging those wells to tap the ground water and being content allowing moments to flow as they do in, sometimes deep and sometimes frivolous, connection with others. but in the mornings when i am alone and the day looms ahead the pressure to find those inner springs builds into dull headaches that feel stony hard.
thats when i sit paralysed staring at the empty white space. or i quickly pull on sneakers and head for a run. sweating away the petrification, loosening the inner stiffness but also losing the essence of something precious imbedded in that unyielding rock that my mind has turned into. i wish that i allow myself time to remain with the impenetrable hardness soon.
but not today. again take the easy way out and head outdoors.
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