I gave myself the day off yesterday. I needed it. I had stayed up all sunday night working on something that falls under the category of one of those things that's not my story to reveal. I had a few hours of restless sleep monday morning and then woke feverish and struggled to complete some work I had assigned to myself on my BF-memoir. But extreme fatigue made me slow and despite wanting to not miss a day of writing a post I really could find nothing to say. I began writing about my feelings around the two arrests Indonesia had made related to the fires. But after a few sentences I let it go.
Today too something in me rebels against writing a post. This is an experiment and to observe what happens to me while trying to complete it is the main purpose of it for me.
There is a part of me that strongly resists structure. Not just structure imposed from the outside but any that I create too. As a child this got me into a lot of trouble as I was constantly breaking out of the structures in the classroom or in my rigid traditional patriarchal family. This part makes it difficult for me to stay in full time jobs for more than a few years. I need my days to be ever changing. But, there is another part that likes structure and feels I need it to really move forward. For most of my life I have worked part time or free lance and if I didn't have some structures to hold me I would faff away my days. There have been times in my life I have done just that.
About fifteen years ago I was studying Dhrupad, a form of traditional Indian music. I was learning to play the sitar from an amazing young rudra veena player. Because music was so difficult for me I didn't rebel against the structures he imposed. Each raag has many rules that any player must conform to. The rules are related to the way notes can be combined and over the first two years all a new student does is play rigidly composed forms. Yet once the rules of the raag are understood one can improvise and create just about anything sometimes even breaking out of the box created by the rules.
It was while learning Dhrupad that I really understood the power of pre-determined structure and the necessity of having your basics down. Learning basics needs discipline, something that was then not very well developed in me. Everything I had done before I began studying Dhrupad had come fairly easily to me. Not having a natural inclination for music I found it extremely difficult and without structure and discipline I would have just drowned and let it go. There were long phases in the learning process where I felt I had plateaued out. My teacher would be excited by these phases. He said I would suddenly make great leaps in learning after a plateau and he was right.
I would never be an amazing sitar player that much was clear from the beginning. Yet I am glad I pursued it seriously for a while. It activated parts in me that were dormant and also taught me how to persevere. Something that had served me well now. I think everyone should learn something that is hard for them instead of just doing things that come easily.
Right now the hardest thing I do is karate. I have even less of a natural inclination for it than I had for music. I am movement and co-ordintaion challenged and have to work harder than most others who come to the dojo. Small achievements in it mean more to me than progress in things I do easily.
I guess writing too is hard for me and I think I might give myself a day off sometimes during this experiment but for the most part I want to persevere in it even when i plateau out.
There is a part of me that strongly resists structure. Not just structure imposed from the outside but any that I create too. As a child this got me into a lot of trouble as I was constantly breaking out of the structures in the classroom or in my rigid traditional patriarchal family. This part makes it difficult for me to stay in full time jobs for more than a few years. I need my days to be ever changing. But, there is another part that likes structure and feels I need it to really move forward. For most of my life I have worked part time or free lance and if I didn't have some structures to hold me I would faff away my days. There have been times in my life I have done just that.
About fifteen years ago I was studying Dhrupad, a form of traditional Indian music. I was learning to play the sitar from an amazing young rudra veena player. Because music was so difficult for me I didn't rebel against the structures he imposed. Each raag has many rules that any player must conform to. The rules are related to the way notes can be combined and over the first two years all a new student does is play rigidly composed forms. Yet once the rules of the raag are understood one can improvise and create just about anything sometimes even breaking out of the box created by the rules.
It was while learning Dhrupad that I really understood the power of pre-determined structure and the necessity of having your basics down. Learning basics needs discipline, something that was then not very well developed in me. Everything I had done before I began studying Dhrupad had come fairly easily to me. Not having a natural inclination for music I found it extremely difficult and without structure and discipline I would have just drowned and let it go. There were long phases in the learning process where I felt I had plateaued out. My teacher would be excited by these phases. He said I would suddenly make great leaps in learning after a plateau and he was right.
I would never be an amazing sitar player that much was clear from the beginning. Yet I am glad I pursued it seriously for a while. It activated parts in me that were dormant and also taught me how to persevere. Something that had served me well now. I think everyone should learn something that is hard for them instead of just doing things that come easily.
Right now the hardest thing I do is karate. I have even less of a natural inclination for it than I had for music. I am movement and co-ordintaion challenged and have to work harder than most others who come to the dojo. Small achievements in it mean more to me than progress in things I do easily.
I guess writing too is hard for me and I think I might give myself a day off sometimes during this experiment but for the most part I want to persevere in it even when i plateau out.
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