Ok so this is an experiment. I am here alone for 30 days. This is the first time since the beginning of the year that I have had this kind of time to myself, and I am going to experiment with writing a post everyday, keeping a record of sorts. I will not think too much about what i write. Just put down whatever thoughts, concerns and fears that float up through the day. Every morning for 30 days till I get on the flight to Milan I will write. I am unsure yet whether i can reveal all i feel and I suppose its partly an experiment of how much of myself I can bare in a public space? But it's more than that I am experimenting with though I am unsure what exactly it is. A part of me wants to know what and why I am deciding to do before starting but another is urging me to just do. So here goes.
I feel like I am here today where I should have been at the beginning of the year. There is an urgency to make plans to accomplish a lot. Write 1500 words a day on the BF-memoir and work with 2-3 scenes on my fantasy draft and train well so I don't arrive at the European gasshuku unprepared. There is much i need to get done before I leave on the 19th of July. I feel I must be in doing mode and I can only allow myself to feel anything after I accomplish these targets and the other work I do. But is it really wise to function this way?
My daughter left yesterday. I felt such an empty ache in my heart as we sat together after she had checked in. The ache was there all last week as a dull certainty and continues on today but its easier to handle after the parting is done. I am happy too that she is gone where she needs to go and I also know that i need this time to myself, but i feel a knot within. We barely had enough time together this time. Though the time we did have was richer and deeper than before. Open conversations, authentic relating and hardly any huge fights. Its hard to let that go.
Authentic relating with myself and others have been my biggest need after the events of this year. I feel that most of the problems of this year could have been avoided if I had just paid attention to my core feelings in every moment and acted from them. I have needed to find that core again and relationships have been one of the ways to do it for in them I have a 360 degree mirror. A mirror that sees right through me and reveals my innermost self, beyond the masks that I may have put on for the world.
To use my relationships as mirrors I need to be authentic and truthful in every interaction. Not all relationships can really stand totally honest relating and some have fallen away to the side. But others have strengthened and its been good to find that even on this lonely island I do have scope for very real friendships.
My daughter left yesterday. I felt such an empty ache in my heart as we sat together after she had checked in. The ache was there all last week as a dull certainty and continues on today but its easier to handle after the parting is done. I am happy too that she is gone where she needs to go and I also know that i need this time to myself, but i feel a knot within. We barely had enough time together this time. Though the time we did have was richer and deeper than before. Open conversations, authentic relating and hardly any huge fights. Its hard to let that go.
Authentic relating with myself and others have been my biggest need after the events of this year. I feel that most of the problems of this year could have been avoided if I had just paid attention to my core feelings in every moment and acted from them. I have needed to find that core again and relationships have been one of the ways to do it for in them I have a 360 degree mirror. A mirror that sees right through me and reveals my innermost self, beyond the masks that I may have put on for the world.
To use my relationships as mirrors I need to be authentic and truthful in every interaction. Not all relationships can really stand totally honest relating and some have fallen away to the side. But others have strengthened and its been good to find that even on this lonely island I do have scope for very real friendships.
Honest relating does not mean being totally open and just spilling everything with everyone. It does mean though knowing clearly what I am feeling and showing it to the extent that the relationship needs and wants. It means acting from my core in every moment but also distinguishing which interactions and situations can take how much honesty. It may not be possible to be deep in every relationship but it is possible to be authentic.
It's hard to breathe and focus today. The haze is triggering my allergies and it's oppressive and suffocating. Since yesterday the air quality has been in the unhealthy region and its supposed to stay that way. I don't know how others are functioning through this but its scary for me to not know when i can breathe fresh air again. It is clouding my thoughts and It's a challenge to express what I want to and I am wondering how I will be able to train when I can barely breathe.
Thats all for today.
It's hard to breathe and focus today. The haze is triggering my allergies and it's oppressive and suffocating. Since yesterday the air quality has been in the unhealthy region and its supposed to stay that way. I don't know how others are functioning through this but its scary for me to not know when i can breathe fresh air again. It is clouding my thoughts and It's a challenge to express what I want to and I am wondering how I will be able to train when I can barely breathe.
Thats all for today.
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