Yesterday I had a restless fever. The days of haze seemed to have weakened my immune system and I felt ill. I was angry. I had enough low productivity days this year and I wanted to rush forward to meet the goals I had set for myself. I worked slowly through the morning but had a meeting later in the day that went on much longer than I had expected. I did not accomplish much and went to bed very frustrated. The worst part was waking up again this morning to disorientation and confusion. My body was still uneasy and that made my mind uncontrollably restless. Many of my inner critics were also around telling me that I did not know what I was doing and that I made all the wrong choices. For a while I tried to ignore them and get on with things but it was too tiring and finally I sat quietly with them.
Most days I deal with my inner critics quite well listening to and integrating the messages of those who have important lessons for me and telling the brutal ones to 'buzz off.' Most days they don't pull me down like today.
I don't really know why they emerged with such force today. Over the last two days my ears have been particularly sensitive in picking up some critical comments directed at me and getting angry. I seem to have internalized those voices. In my writing I am hitting some barrier as memories are chaotic or inaccessible adding to the feeling that I don't know what I am doing. To give myself some respite from the inner voice my mind turns outwards.
Most days I deal with my inner critics quite well listening to and integrating the messages of those who have important lessons for me and telling the brutal ones to 'buzz off.' Most days they don't pull me down like today.
I don't really know why they emerged with such force today. Over the last two days my ears have been particularly sensitive in picking up some critical comments directed at me and getting angry. I seem to have internalized those voices. In my writing I am hitting some barrier as memories are chaotic or inaccessible adding to the feeling that I don't know what I am doing. To give myself some respite from the inner voice my mind turns outwards.
Indonesia has made nine arrests related to the fires. These seem to be small time farmers who were clearing their land for planting. It is illegal in Indonesia to set these fires, punishable by a large fine and ten years in prison. But the large Palm Oil companies seem to have remained unscathed? The next days will be interesting - will those truly responsible for this environmental damage be named or will these farmers become scapegoats dissipating the rising heat among the three countries? The Indonesian President has made a public apology for the haze and come under criticism from many in his own country who think it is a sign of weakness. I disagree and feel that this apology will go a long way in setting a more co-operative tone in discussions. But i worry that in the interest of maintaining good neighbourly relationships this might be the end of the dispute. Token arrests while the real culprits get yet another year to continue their criminal burning?
The Asean meeting is brought forward to mid-July. I am looking forward to following how this issue is handled. Hoping that there is a blend of some hard accountability and gentle co-operation. The world needs new models for conflict resolution and maybe Asia can model some.
Few years ago I had gone to a talk by someone from the Centre for Humanitarian Dialogue. He said while a lot of foreign NGO's have been allowed into Africa to help with the conflicts there the Asian countries have resisted outside help preferring to struggle to find solutions themselves. He believed that this would prolong the conflict but I think there is much wisdom in looking within the region itself to resolve things.
The outward gaze has reduced the intensity of the inner critical voices. Now I can separate them into useful and mean and deal with them.
Few years ago I had gone to a talk by someone from the Centre for Humanitarian Dialogue. He said while a lot of foreign NGO's have been allowed into Africa to help with the conflicts there the Asian countries have resisted outside help preferring to struggle to find solutions themselves. He believed that this would prolong the conflict but I think there is much wisdom in looking within the region itself to resolve things.
The outward gaze has reduced the intensity of the inner critical voices. Now I can separate them into useful and mean and deal with them.
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