day 6

I woke to clear skies but an inexplicable heaviness. Sometimes moods just drift in without warning. I decided to take advantage of the lowered psi and had a good workout in the gym giving space to the heaviness to unfold in the background. Only now after a shower I am beginning to know more about it. Its like a sad sense of loss but yet I don't know where it comes from.

Earlier in the day I had wanted to write but a paralysis seemed to have come over me. Some parts of my life are not my story to tell and I had been thinking of them. I saw how being in an inner conflict about what to share and what to keep private freezes me up. But some parts of my experience are really somebody else's choice to disclose or not. As I was thinking about this I realised so much of my life has been affected by something outside, often something related to people close to me but sometimes related to large scale events that are not directly related to me, have completely changed the course of my life. Plans and hopes just disappearing due to some force outside me. I know some people whose life seems to be much more their own. They seem to be masters of their own destiny and can escape the influence of outside events and continue on their path relatively undeviated. 

That's not my life path for sure and for a while I wondered if I would want my life to be like theirs and what could I do to change it? How could I be more independent of things outside? As I was thinking this the boundaries of inside and outside blurred. What really is outside me? Are my closest family and friends outside? Are not large events that effect people on the other side of the world also not just inside in some way? 

I do have porous boundaries. As I have grown I seem to have allowed people and the world to affect me more and more. But isn't this what an interdependent existence is about? Why should it not be like this? I have grown more from allowing things to really affect me than by sitting quietly and meditating - no, not really both have had their place. The meditation had allowed me to be able to stay a bit detached even when I am in the middle of the worst storms but if all I did was meditated on some solitary mountain I would probably never know whether the positive effects of the meditation would remain with me as I walked through this interdependent existence. 

There was a time when the mountains called me strongly. When I believed that by the age of 50 I would want to be sitting in a cave somewhere seeking the truths of life. But things changed and here I am now. 

I think part of the sense of loss are seeing the different lives I lost because of the choices I made at every fork in the path. There will always be 'what if' moments in our lives.

Yesterday I was able to organise the BF-memoir into some sort of a time line and that process showed me why I might have had the boiling frog dream this year. It is a call to a deeper healing and I give myself over to it. It could hold the key to unlocking some buried parts of my psyche. Last night I dreamt that I had opened up a large trunk which stored some of my old clothing. I was pulling out and trying on the strange almost futuristic outfits its held. It feels like a time to seek the future in my past.