The haze outside seems to exert a considerable power on me safely inside my apartment. I, like many others, am feeling angry and helpless. Till Tuesday evening i could see a bit of the blue sky and some happy, light clouds even when on ground level it was smoky. Since yesterday there is only the grey acid smoke covering everything. I watch my mind as it looks for a target to pit it's anger against but blaming Indonesia or anyone else makes no sense - though yes, i do take great pleasure in blaming the palm oil companies supposedly responsible for this. That doesn't change my lack of control over changing the environment. I could control my own path through it but with it triggering my allergies I feel somewhat drowned. I find myself feeling angry with my weakness and my vulnerable body. I see others walking around and at least getting to work - actually right now being able to just keep up the appearances of normalcy would feel very good. Some part of me calls me a sissy for giving in to my allergies and a battle rages inside around this.
The truth is I don't have much will to go outside and I also don't have the ability right now to forgive myself for not being able to keep going.
My mind and body were dull this morning. I had woken at 5 am with the smells invading my nostrils despite my closed room. The smells do feel stronger now with the cumulative effect of many days of depletion of fresh air. No birds flying around or chattering on the balcony. I miss them. As someone said the mosquitos too are gone and the geckos, though I suppose that the cockroaches and the rats are surviving.
I reluctantly texted my Sensei that I won't make it to training today. I will try to get a mask and move on with things tomorrow. Who knows how much longer this haze will be around for and i too need to get on with things.
I am half-way through Ursula Le Guin's, 'The Lathe of Heaven.' Its a book about a man (Orr) whose dreams change reality. The man is reluctant to use his ability and wants to be cured. His psychiatrist (Haber) on the other hand is quite willing to change their dystopian world into a more peaceful one and directs Orr to makes changes. Last night I just read the scene where Orr confronts Haber once again and Haber tells him thats its man's purpose on earth to change things to make a better world. Orr says the Universe is not a machine with parts each with a function and he doesn't believe that things or he himself have any purpose. Haber insists on playing God but each change he asks for has some disastrous consequence.
So, the question everyone asks about the characters is which one would you root for? the man with the power to change the world but who does not feel he can play God or the man who is willing to use his powers. Of course in our way of thinking the latter could be labelled evil especially since he also orders changes that make him more powerful. Every change has consequences and like the charmed ones many of us are taught that using power for personal gain has negative consequences. But as one of the sister says in the episode I watched yesterday, 'demons do anything without worrying about consequences.'
In books and films the same laws that tell us that the consequences of personal gain are ultimately negative do also apply to the evil ones and we gleefully watch them meeting painful ends. Something feels right about this but there is an element of righteous vengeance too there. What if instead of being vanquished the evil ones learnt some lessons that changed them from the inside? That to me might be very satisfactory but as a writer I often read how nobody wants to read about such peaceful things. Actually if I had read books that showed such changes I might not polarise the world so much nor fear the darkness within but know that it could be shifted.
I myself at one time believed that the ends justified the means. Only through slow soul searching I do now believe that the means already contain the end in them. Violence can never lead to peace. Non-violence is the only way. Kind of limiting in this world of ours where wars are waged to bring peace. So much of my search is to find my purpose on this planet but what if like Orr says I too have no purpose or do not matter in the large scheme of things. Something inside shudders and I can't think like him either. So I don't have an answer to what I would do if I was given powers that could change the world. How passive would I remain? What risks would I be willing to take to make change? Though most risks that involve others are not mine to take.
Fortunately expressing what I feel does give some energy to body and mind for as the PSI climbs once again to 198 after dipping to 127 at 7 am hope dips.
So, the question everyone asks about the characters is which one would you root for? the man with the power to change the world but who does not feel he can play God or the man who is willing to use his powers. Of course in our way of thinking the latter could be labelled evil especially since he also orders changes that make him more powerful. Every change has consequences and like the charmed ones many of us are taught that using power for personal gain has negative consequences. But as one of the sister says in the episode I watched yesterday, 'demons do anything without worrying about consequences.'
In books and films the same laws that tell us that the consequences of personal gain are ultimately negative do also apply to the evil ones and we gleefully watch them meeting painful ends. Something feels right about this but there is an element of righteous vengeance too there. What if instead of being vanquished the evil ones learnt some lessons that changed them from the inside? That to me might be very satisfactory but as a writer I often read how nobody wants to read about such peaceful things. Actually if I had read books that showed such changes I might not polarise the world so much nor fear the darkness within but know that it could be shifted.
I myself at one time believed that the ends justified the means. Only through slow soul searching I do now believe that the means already contain the end in them. Violence can never lead to peace. Non-violence is the only way. Kind of limiting in this world of ours where wars are waged to bring peace. So much of my search is to find my purpose on this planet but what if like Orr says I too have no purpose or do not matter in the large scheme of things. Something inside shudders and I can't think like him either. So I don't have an answer to what I would do if I was given powers that could change the world. How passive would I remain? What risks would I be willing to take to make change? Though most risks that involve others are not mine to take.
Fortunately expressing what I feel does give some energy to body and mind for as the PSI climbs once again to 198 after dipping to 127 at 7 am hope dips.
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