I was woken this morning in a peculiar way. My phone which I put on silent and put away in my desk at night began vibrating. Normally I sleep through texts but phone calls wake me and people close to me know that and will call if it's an emergency. It was 8 am and I had planned to sleep till i naturally woke around 9 am. The call was from my husband but even before I called him back I knew that he wasn't really trying to reach me but the call button had been accidentally pressed on his phone. It jolted me out of an antihistamine tinged sleep.
Several years ago, in late 2001 I was woken in strange way every morning around 4am. After initially cursing and resisting it I began getting up and meditating. It was a time in my life when I was most connected to myself and that universal force that guides us all if we listen. I felt close to my destiny (yes, i have been watching a lot of charmed). I have a feeling that something is waking me up and telling me 'you have work to do. stop faffing.'
My closest Singaporean friend and I have a joke about how hard it is to hear the voice of the Universal Force in Singapore. We both have trouble meditating here but slip easily into meditation in other places. Its like a fog comes over us when we enter the Singaporean field at Changi. She said she's felt it all her life and it was a relief to talk to someone about it and not have her thought crazy. So if this is a call from the UF I am surprised that it got through.
The haze was clearer this morning and when I woke I could see the CBD buildings fairly clearly instead of just the silhouettes I had been seeing since saturday. The smog had lifted a bit but when I opened the window the smell of things burning rushed in and filled my lungs and reluctantly I shut them tight. Those hours of keeping windows open yesterday have left their mark and my throat and chest burn more today. My nasal passages feel constricted and head unclear.
I do have to get busy. Yesterday I did write words on my BF-memoir but I am discontent with it. Its has no coherence yet and I need to find some thread in it that I can follow and write on but yet I can't. I worked a few hours on some other work I am responsible for but by about 5pm I felt unable to focus. My karate training got cancelled but I could not bring myself to get into some self training as the haze had thickened and being outdoors was impossible. I consolidated some of my training notes from previous gasshuku's. By 8pm I gave up trying to work completely and began watching Charmed.
Charmed is a delightful concept. Magic, powerful sisters, good and evil and incredible characters. I watched all of season 4 over the weekend and the character of the Seer flirted with me. I loved watching the way she talked, her manipulations and most of all I loved hating her. She was so evil. Her thirst for power was endless and ultimately it killed her. In the real world the quest for power is often rewarded and the person or organisation seems to grow and grow. Often it seems that even if one wants power to 'do good' ultimately it corrupts.
Perhaps this is my own belief and one that has kept me running away from power. Perhaps it is one of the barriers that keeps me from connecting to my destiny. If wanting power is evil then does it mean that good remains powerless? I used to be scared that I had a large dark side and if I had power i would use it badly but now strangely I know that I am essentially good and some of my ideas of dark and light are shifting. I wonder if the way that good works in this world is not through power but in some other way?
On yesterdays post a couple of my friends commented on the nature of authentic being. I realised then that I was more interested in authentic relating for it feels even harder as it involves me and another. It feels more important to my current path though its unclear why.
Time to get going. I am hoping to meditate, get some exercise in the gym and then work on finding the patterns in my memoir. I know I am writing essentially for myself but also because sharing my healing journey is useful to others. My fantasy novel draft seems to have fallen to the side unfortunately. Until tomorrow.
Charmed is a delightful concept. Magic, powerful sisters, good and evil and incredible characters. I watched all of season 4 over the weekend and the character of the Seer flirted with me. I loved watching the way she talked, her manipulations and most of all I loved hating her. She was so evil. Her thirst for power was endless and ultimately it killed her. In the real world the quest for power is often rewarded and the person or organisation seems to grow and grow. Often it seems that even if one wants power to 'do good' ultimately it corrupts.
Perhaps this is my own belief and one that has kept me running away from power. Perhaps it is one of the barriers that keeps me from connecting to my destiny. If wanting power is evil then does it mean that good remains powerless? I used to be scared that I had a large dark side and if I had power i would use it badly but now strangely I know that I am essentially good and some of my ideas of dark and light are shifting. I wonder if the way that good works in this world is not through power but in some other way?
On yesterdays post a couple of my friends commented on the nature of authentic being. I realised then that I was more interested in authentic relating for it feels even harder as it involves me and another. It feels more important to my current path though its unclear why.
Time to get going. I am hoping to meditate, get some exercise in the gym and then work on finding the patterns in my memoir. I know I am writing essentially for myself but also because sharing my healing journey is useful to others. My fantasy novel draft seems to have fallen to the side unfortunately. Until tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment