who or what is home

sometimes you have to go a long way either physically or in your mind and body to arrive 'home'. remembering the alchemist and his quest and his arriving back to himself in the end. thinking of eliots words.

'We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.'

i am home here in this apartment. this is my home in singapore and i had to go a long ways to re-discover this 'truth' through a journey that has been numbing, overwhelming and painful. 

sometimes in books the journey to self discovery is painful but beautiful. i know that there are lessons to be learn't in this experience but right now all i feel is the sense of being stuck in a nightmare. the last three days have felt like a year of heavy darkness and yet i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. there are moments i catch a glimpse or find faith that it exists and then there are times that it just feels scary and endless.

today before i get into the thousand things that need to be done i can feel a sense of peace for a bit where i can put myself in the shoes of the agent and the owner and try to see their perspectives. i hope feeling this will help us a bit in communicating with them. but in the end i also feel helpless and spiralling out of control. wondering how i got myself in this predicament. wondering how we will get out of it.

this year has been one that throws surprises up with the regularity and certainty of breath going in and out of my lungs. but i don't really believe that things come upon us all of a sudden. there are signs that alert us when something is wrong. how often we ignore them, how often we don't trust our instincts and proceed on a path that will lead to difficulties. sometimes i am unsure, uncertain about how to change a decision that i have made or change a course that i have have charted. sometimes i am embarrassed and feel that i will look untrustworthy to the other. sometimes i am confused about what is right - what i felt before or what i am feeling at this moment. so i ignore the little tug that alerts me and push on.

looking back i know this happened this time. there were signs along the way that clearly showed us that either the agent or the owner were not true to their promises. there were a couple of opportunities to pull out and yet we did not. 

i have to learn to forgive myself for that bad decision but remember not to ignore my instinct the next time around. right now i feel crappy and sometimes fall into blaming myself for missing those chances of escaping this nightmare.

there are other lessons here to be learnt. despite initially offering a settlement that seemed more fair to the owner than us we just had to face escalating demands and threats. sometimes its necessary to take a stand and sometimes one is doing it not just for themselves but also to bring light to things that can cheat and gobble. 

today all i want is to unpack boxes and settle into home but i have to be also taking those pics, finding legal help etc. etc. 

definitely in the thickest woods yet and groping to find the safe home within myself.

ps - and as my daughter very wisely pointed out to me this morning - when the space feels cluttered its time to get rid of things rather than try to move to a larger place. another huge huge lesson for me.