weds morning - just three days after we handed over our keys i woke already feeling the energy of the unpleasant experience ebbing. i am surprised with how fast that's happening, even yesterday i was having all kinds of intense negative thoughts and feelings. the day feels bright and light right now.
we are settled back into this apartment with a lot of our clutter gone because of the sorting process of the move. i talked about de-cluttering before but i wasn't doing enough. feels like a strong wind blew through and swept so much away. we even were able to give away three pieces of furniture in this de-cluttering process. no wonder this gorgeous feeling of lightness.
the stormy wind is still blowing through my insides and i welcome it. it's blowing away layers of dust and revealing things hidden away for a while. yesterday what it revealed was very painful.
i saw just how much i have floated up from my deepest essence. i knew particularly that the intuition and the inner radar that i had cultivated with so much care had been lost - maybe over the last few months but maybe even longer. i can't help coming back to the thought that if i had not lost it i would have easily 'read' the signs and walked away from all this in february itself. the traces of something dishonest and hidden were there all along.
the thought that i wish i had pursued this issue with SCT also haunts me on and off. gone are the thoughts of wanting a righteous vengeance but i still feel that allowing people like this to get away is adding to the negative energy in the world.
but as i thought more about the question my friend had posed to me 'what within you is against walking away?' i also found other answers.
by staying there and tangling with that energy i also was adding to such energy in the world. every time we got an email from the agent/owner we got upset and angry. when we were with the 'thug' like people the owner had sent to intimidate us our tempers flared and i particularly had feelings of wanting to punch a couple of them. my feelings of vengefulness were at their highest. as i write this words from 'the history of karate' come to me. one of the great sensei's of the goju lineage said - when your anger rises withdraw your fists, when your fists rise withdraw your anger.
there are situations in life where one does need to confront injustice and nasty energies but how one does it is so important. i learn't that if i did want to continue that fight i would have to work hard on coming from a calm and peaceful space within myself and not from the same place the other side did. if i embodied those same energies that i was trying to combat then whatever the external outcome, i.e. even if i got all my money back, i would still have added to those energies in the world. the only way to deal with those energies is from a centred place that will not become them. and to do that i need to really clear myself.
i am not that clear today and that is agonising. less clear than i was some years ago. particularly since october or so last year all sorts of angers and passions have clung to me, layer upon layer. this storm is helping lift away those coverings. i wish i had never strayed from this knowledge but this has truly been a very small price to pay to be guided back to what's most important to me.
i still do wish passionately that nobody else is cheated by these people and i hope i can do something that can support this wish. i tried to post a comment on the singapore expat forum. i didn't use names. but it was removed. i also wrote a letter to straits online not even using the apartment number but they didn't post it. if i can find another way to caution people i will try to do so but otherwise i think i am moving fast away from this episode.
today my biggest concern is about leaving our quickly ageing hamster rosie. her health goes up and down. i am so worried that she will pass on when we are gone. my husband even suggested postponing our trip to india - but all we can delay is a week and she might linger on beyond. we will be leaving saturday and though i want to see rosie again on the other side of this trip i don't want her to live and suffer and i also don't want her to pass on feeling we abandoned her. this is excruciating.
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