i think a decision has been made finally by us. some part of me is not happy with the decision and a friend clarified for me that reflecting on that part might teach me something valueable.
yesterday we met four of the most reprehensible people i have met in a very long time. i shudder and want to vomit when i think of the time we spent in their presence.
yesterday we met four of the most reprehensible people i have met in a very long time. i shudder and want to vomit when i think of the time we spent in their presence.
we were supposed to meet the owners agent and POA for a joint inspection. my husband actually thought it was better he went alone for a one-on-one to try to settle it one last time. my daughter and i decided to go with him even if all we did was kept quiet in the background. when we got there we saw four people waiting. supposedly for an inspection. they took turns to try to scare and threaten us about the consequences if we would try to file a claim. they said the filthy oven wasn't too bad and they would eat out of it. one of them even said she would be ok cleaning up other people's muck. the agent was the worst. she denied verbal statements and promises she had made. she lied and even insinuated that we had broken the washing machine. they threatened that the owner would take legal action if they did not leave with the keys. they proudly told us that they each own several apartments in the city and they never had problems with any of the others. we did not get intimidated by them. just angry. i think they were in disbelief that we did not let them take the keys.
i dont know why i had actually believed that they were there to create a resolution. perhaps i trust the goodness in people too much? maybe we should not have let more than two of them into the house?
after they left my legs were shaky and heart pounding. three of us sat in a cafe and talked. the first thing my daughter said was, 'they are not nice people.' my husband wanted to get as far away as possible from them. i needed closure but was far from it. but all of us felt physically sick and as we spent time away from the apartment and from those people we felt better. my daughter talked of how her yoga teacher had told her that sometimes its best to just walk away from something. after meeting these four people we knew that there was no possibility of resolution. they were people without empathy or conscience as another friend clarified for me.
but there is a part of me that is not on the 'side of walking away'. on the surface it's the part that does not like being cheated. as i look deeper i see the part that believes in pursuing justice to its very end. this part feels that allowing something like this to happen is literary feeding those systems that threaten, cheat, oppress and in the end accumulate and grow. i have an image of an open toothy mouth that i am throwing 15,600 SD in and a monster growing and growing. what if it grows so much that the goodness on earth is engulfed by it?
as i write this two things come to mind. the yin-yang symbol. each 'half' contains the seed of the opposite and when one grows to a tipping point it will start ebbing and the other start growing. the wisdom of the i-ching is based on such beliefs and i often have found comfort from the i-ching hexagrams.
but i also have another experience of 'good' and 'evil'. when i first began meditating i understood that when good grows within a person or a system its not like evil has less space. the whole person expands and the evil too grows. 'making energetic progress in the good' is a constant challenge and one that must be practiced with every breath. we truly have both all the good and all the evil of the universe within each one of us. so, i suppose the converse, which sometimes i lose sight of, is also true - when evil grows so does good.
sometimes walking away from something maybe very hard but it is the best thing to do. when i think of this situation in karmic terms i feel easy about walking away. it is some karmic exchange that i must make. when i think of it in terms of social activism its hard to walk away. i am still left with a lingering sense of defeat. but knowing which battles to fight on which day is true wisdom too.
i also have realized that we just were coming from two completely different value systems. while we valued relationship and fair resolution all they valued was money. is it possible to reconcile such differing values? i suppose the only way i can begin is to find the 'greedy' monster within me and try to reconcile within myself.
hopefully this journey will be over today. we have written offering to pass over the keys and signing a letter that absolves each of us of all liabilities. i know in walking away i am leaving the owner and the others who came thinking they succeeded in frightening us which makes me a bit mad. but honestly if i obsess about it i am the real fool. i also have a feeling that i can't identify clearly, embarrassment and sadness, seems to be the closest description. for a while i was so cut off from my core, my genuine instincts that guide me away from whats not right for me that i succumbed to some seductive energy. i know today that i have work to do on inner reconnection and ascension.
ps - its also interesting that it was easy to let go of that need for accountability from the owner/agent once i met those people. i would never have got it. but everyone else we spoke to understood immediately this feeling we had.
i dont know why i had actually believed that they were there to create a resolution. perhaps i trust the goodness in people too much? maybe we should not have let more than two of them into the house?
after they left my legs were shaky and heart pounding. three of us sat in a cafe and talked. the first thing my daughter said was, 'they are not nice people.' my husband wanted to get as far away as possible from them. i needed closure but was far from it. but all of us felt physically sick and as we spent time away from the apartment and from those people we felt better. my daughter talked of how her yoga teacher had told her that sometimes its best to just walk away from something. after meeting these four people we knew that there was no possibility of resolution. they were people without empathy or conscience as another friend clarified for me.
but there is a part of me that is not on the 'side of walking away'. on the surface it's the part that does not like being cheated. as i look deeper i see the part that believes in pursuing justice to its very end. this part feels that allowing something like this to happen is literary feeding those systems that threaten, cheat, oppress and in the end accumulate and grow. i have an image of an open toothy mouth that i am throwing 15,600 SD in and a monster growing and growing. what if it grows so much that the goodness on earth is engulfed by it?
as i write this two things come to mind. the yin-yang symbol. each 'half' contains the seed of the opposite and when one grows to a tipping point it will start ebbing and the other start growing. the wisdom of the i-ching is based on such beliefs and i often have found comfort from the i-ching hexagrams.
but i also have another experience of 'good' and 'evil'. when i first began meditating i understood that when good grows within a person or a system its not like evil has less space. the whole person expands and the evil too grows. 'making energetic progress in the good' is a constant challenge and one that must be practiced with every breath. we truly have both all the good and all the evil of the universe within each one of us. so, i suppose the converse, which sometimes i lose sight of, is also true - when evil grows so does good.
sometimes walking away from something maybe very hard but it is the best thing to do. when i think of this situation in karmic terms i feel easy about walking away. it is some karmic exchange that i must make. when i think of it in terms of social activism its hard to walk away. i am still left with a lingering sense of defeat. but knowing which battles to fight on which day is true wisdom too.
i also have realized that we just were coming from two completely different value systems. while we valued relationship and fair resolution all they valued was money. is it possible to reconcile such differing values? i suppose the only way i can begin is to find the 'greedy' monster within me and try to reconcile within myself.
hopefully this journey will be over today. we have written offering to pass over the keys and signing a letter that absolves each of us of all liabilities. i know in walking away i am leaving the owner and the others who came thinking they succeeded in frightening us which makes me a bit mad. but honestly if i obsess about it i am the real fool. i also have a feeling that i can't identify clearly, embarrassment and sadness, seems to be the closest description. for a while i was so cut off from my core, my genuine instincts that guide me away from whats not right for me that i succumbed to some seductive energy. i know today that i have work to do on inner reconnection and ascension.
ps - its also interesting that it was easy to let go of that need for accountability from the owner/agent once i met those people. i would never have got it. but everyone else we spoke to understood immediately this feeling we had.
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