fuzzy

some moments hold an intensity hard to explain. some events hold mirrors of so many others within them.

our little adopted hamster fuzzy travelled on today to a world where no cages exist to hold him. fuzzy came to us first  in december  2011 for three weeks along with his charming little brother rosie. they were our houseguests but later in 2012 when their family had to migrate elsewhere they became ours. 

fuzzy and rosie - no two personalities could be as different as they were.

rosie was a little social animal. he loved attention, he loved people and he loved wandering outside his cage. rosie seemed to have no survival instinct or maybe he just thought he had a very attentive guardian angel. he would take a leap of the edge of the couch and expect he would be caught in safe hands. everyone who saw him fell in love with him and wanted to cuddle him. 

fuzzy on the other hand was an introvert. he shunned company and even barely tolerated his brother. he ignored all attempts to woo him out of the cage initially. though later he looked forward to the times he was allowed to run free. fuzzy would peer carefully and back off when he was on the edge of a height - except that one time when he was on the lowest shelf of our bookcase, he peeped over and saw rosie below and jumped right on top of him. we all had a good laugh to see little 'killer' rosie so stunned. fuzzy loved books and would be always trying to get up on the shelves. when one of us placed him there he would sniff out the book spines as if he was choosing a book to read, or maybe just to chew on.

fuzzy was moody and he wasn't shy to take a good nip off our fingers if he felt his personal space intruded upon. he was initially larger than rosie but he was a soft soul who was most times bullied by his smaller brother. fuzzy became my favourite - i think just because rosie was a charmer and everybody loved him - fuzzy was the underdog and so i took him under my wing.

as fuzz grew he mellowed out and loved sitting and getting his body massaged. he would look up when we stopped with adorable pleading eyes. he loved my daughters massages the best and when she went off to university he looked for her and refused massages from any of us for about a week.

in the last month he lost a lot of weight and i was obsessively worried about him. we called the vet who tried to gently prepare us for his death. over the last week he grew even more scrawny, his skin hung on his bones and i cried when i touched him. he began chewing on the door of his cage begging to be let out from wednesday this week. when out he would run around the house madly, i felt he was searching for something and i ached for him. this afternoon he passed on. earlier in the day he had climbed up and wanted to come out. he fell down and my husband picked him up and massaged him gently. fuzzy closed his eyes and went into his castle. a few hours later he was gone. of course i wonder what more i could have done to make his last days more comfortable? was he lonely and needing something, saying something i could not hear? i miss him.

he was just a little hamster, ours for just seven months, but we are left with a heavy sadness that is hard to carry. i think of neruda's lines 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

its like his loss brings back the grief of all those loved ones i have lost in my life. those i lost when i was too young to know grief properly. those i lost when i was already broken and could break no more. i mourn and break today for all those i loved and lost. my sweet little fuzzy leaves me the gift of his being and the experience of knowing grief in a way i didn't know before.

i love you fuzz.