its a beautiful sunny day. my snake self would love to slither up a warm rock and bask - let the sun soak into its gorgeous, colourful skin. i mildly wonder what the life of a snake is like in its underground burrow. snakes are so feared and deadly. their poisons stun and kill.
the year of the snake didn't glide in slow and gentle but moved in like a flying ninja snake - attacking and forcing me to know it capacity to stun. yes, i had expected the year of the snake to be filled with a sloughing away of inner deadness that lead to healing and the renewal of my life spirit. but now i think its energy will also be an uncontrollable force that churns things up.
in the days preceding cny our air conditioning unit sputtered and quit. we were told that the compressor was burn't out and would take twelve days to fix. i panicked as friends from england were arriving in a few days. the stress of this plunged me into a good long fight with my spouse. many things that had been cluttering the relationship got thrown up. we were still processing the poisons that had emerged when our friends arrived. i was very muddled and cramped over the next few days in an apartment that suddenly felt too small. i found it hard to breathe at times. luckily our friends are few of those rare ones that i can be myself around and i didn't need to hide my intense feelings, which made it easier to get through those difficult days.
the word clutter kept pounding through my brain. i became intensely aware of the inner and outer clutter in my life which was causing heaviness and anxiety. the first message of this year was the need to de-clutter my time and space and move towards a clear, simple life. even as i write this i feel a stirring that makes my body both tense up and relax in anticipation.
i struggled for several days to unfold the true meaning of this message. de-cluttering my surroundings and possessions will be the easiest. i let my mind move through the rooms of our apartment. i knew that the kitchen should be the starting point. we own the bare minimum of pots, pans and cutlery. maybe some re-organisation is all it needs. the living room also looked relatively easy to de-clutter since all of us in this family are sort of minimalists and only tend to acquire things that are functional. though i sighed as i scanned shelves overflowing with books i love. those would take time to process. the bedroom along with the closets and dresser promised a challenge. there are clothes in there that i don't wear but still am unable to part with. i began noticing my attachment to certain things and realised that i did need to detach myself from several possessions.
simultaneously i was thinking of the inter-personal level of work. de-cluttering the relationship with my spouse had been the beginning of this process and it illuminated what needed to be voiced in other close relationships. this might be challenging but having had a long practice of conflict resolution i feel excited to take it on.
having our friends from england around also clarified what i value in friendships. i want people i can trust around me. i want people in my life who i can be my authentic self around and who accept me with my unpleasant truths and difficult feelings. i see that there are some such friends that have moved out of my life that i want to bring back and there are some who bring negative energy into my life that i need to move away from. i have never believed that everybody i know has to like me or that i have to be friends with everyone i meet. but moving away from people does bring up some questions. how do i do it? just moving away with an inner goodbye is easy. but would that cause hurt? would i need to talk to them about what i feel? to what purpose, if those friends are not close anyway?
questions without answers. for now i follow rilke's advice 'Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.'
de-cluttering the insides might be tedious. myriad thoughts and fears keep my mind distracted and busy with unimportant things. they keep me from the peace that already exists within me. i find it hard to write, to reach parts of my deepest self and touch my authentic essence. that part of me that catches the collective airwaves and connects to the boundless dark and light matter of the universe is hard to access in this state and i feel crippled.
today i began moving through my mind like a home with different rooms that needed de-cluttering. these rooms are filled with habits, beliefs, addictions, fears, dreams, desires, built up prejudices, angers and more. I visited the rooms and started sweeping away the dust, the unneeded. i took my time in each. i opened windows and let fresh air in. many rooms were dormant, unvisited for a while and i noticed unknown passages and spaces. it will take me the year to journey through the castle that is my inner home and i will still have unvisited places in there.
again many questions arise. but again i choose to 'live the questions' and perhaps gently i will 'live along some distant day into the answer.'
the need to de-clutter is a driving force right now and i know that as i move things away, and spend time with my thoughts and my silences, i will access my inner wisdoms and intuitions and it will reveal what more needs de-cluttering.
the snake has always been an ally of mine. appearing in dreams and visions urging me to transform and regenerate. but days before the year of the snake a new ally appeared. i woke from a dream with the words, 'a badger is not just a badger, it is a creature of god'. on googling i read that badger energy urges us to walk our own path at our own pace. later a friend sent me a video where a badger was wrestling with snakes and eating them. the badger was bitten and poisoned once. it fell unconscious but woke up and continued on with its projects. the badger is a busy determined energy. i feel supported to grapple with this task.
the year of the snake didn't glide in slow and gentle but moved in like a flying ninja snake - attacking and forcing me to know it capacity to stun. yes, i had expected the year of the snake to be filled with a sloughing away of inner deadness that lead to healing and the renewal of my life spirit. but now i think its energy will also be an uncontrollable force that churns things up.
in the days preceding cny our air conditioning unit sputtered and quit. we were told that the compressor was burn't out and would take twelve days to fix. i panicked as friends from england were arriving in a few days. the stress of this plunged me into a good long fight with my spouse. many things that had been cluttering the relationship got thrown up. we were still processing the poisons that had emerged when our friends arrived. i was very muddled and cramped over the next few days in an apartment that suddenly felt too small. i found it hard to breathe at times. luckily our friends are few of those rare ones that i can be myself around and i didn't need to hide my intense feelings, which made it easier to get through those difficult days.
the word clutter kept pounding through my brain. i became intensely aware of the inner and outer clutter in my life which was causing heaviness and anxiety. the first message of this year was the need to de-clutter my time and space and move towards a clear, simple life. even as i write this i feel a stirring that makes my body both tense up and relax in anticipation.
i struggled for several days to unfold the true meaning of this message. de-cluttering my surroundings and possessions will be the easiest. i let my mind move through the rooms of our apartment. i knew that the kitchen should be the starting point. we own the bare minimum of pots, pans and cutlery. maybe some re-organisation is all it needs. the living room also looked relatively easy to de-clutter since all of us in this family are sort of minimalists and only tend to acquire things that are functional. though i sighed as i scanned shelves overflowing with books i love. those would take time to process. the bedroom along with the closets and dresser promised a challenge. there are clothes in there that i don't wear but still am unable to part with. i began noticing my attachment to certain things and realised that i did need to detach myself from several possessions.
simultaneously i was thinking of the inter-personal level of work. de-cluttering the relationship with my spouse had been the beginning of this process and it illuminated what needed to be voiced in other close relationships. this might be challenging but having had a long practice of conflict resolution i feel excited to take it on.
having our friends from england around also clarified what i value in friendships. i want people i can trust around me. i want people in my life who i can be my authentic self around and who accept me with my unpleasant truths and difficult feelings. i see that there are some such friends that have moved out of my life that i want to bring back and there are some who bring negative energy into my life that i need to move away from. i have never believed that everybody i know has to like me or that i have to be friends with everyone i meet. but moving away from people does bring up some questions. how do i do it? just moving away with an inner goodbye is easy. but would that cause hurt? would i need to talk to them about what i feel? to what purpose, if those friends are not close anyway?
questions without answers. for now i follow rilke's advice 'Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.'
de-cluttering the insides might be tedious. myriad thoughts and fears keep my mind distracted and busy with unimportant things. they keep me from the peace that already exists within me. i find it hard to write, to reach parts of my deepest self and touch my authentic essence. that part of me that catches the collective airwaves and connects to the boundless dark and light matter of the universe is hard to access in this state and i feel crippled.
today i began moving through my mind like a home with different rooms that needed de-cluttering. these rooms are filled with habits, beliefs, addictions, fears, dreams, desires, built up prejudices, angers and more. I visited the rooms and started sweeping away the dust, the unneeded. i took my time in each. i opened windows and let fresh air in. many rooms were dormant, unvisited for a while and i noticed unknown passages and spaces. it will take me the year to journey through the castle that is my inner home and i will still have unvisited places in there.
again many questions arise. but again i choose to 'live the questions' and perhaps gently i will 'live along some distant day into the answer.'
the need to de-clutter is a driving force right now and i know that as i move things away, and spend time with my thoughts and my silences, i will access my inner wisdoms and intuitions and it will reveal what more needs de-cluttering.
the snake has always been an ally of mine. appearing in dreams and visions urging me to transform and regenerate. but days before the year of the snake a new ally appeared. i woke from a dream with the words, 'a badger is not just a badger, it is a creature of god'. on googling i read that badger energy urges us to walk our own path at our own pace. later a friend sent me a video where a badger was wrestling with snakes and eating them. the badger was bitten and poisoned once. it fell unconscious but woke up and continued on with its projects. the badger is a busy determined energy. i feel supported to grapple with this task.
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