I Am A Fighter

December 9, 2022

 

My first update about my December challenges. I’m doing poorly with them — except perhaps the reading. Started well enough but having a cat with anxiety as a guest and having to visit doctors when the ribs/gastric pain soared, have been huge obstacles to progress. I am not surprised because the energies of 2022 were disruptive, so why should the last month of the year be any different. I sense disruption until February or March. 

 

It has been a year with shock and betrayal. And they have often come when I am most fragile. But it has also been a time when I have re-connected to both my strengths and compassion. Each time I’ve had a setback I have felt it intensely, thoroughly, allowed the crushed feeling a home, and expressed it outwards. But then something else has kicked in after I've had a good cry.

 

I am a fighter who does not give up. And it has been a surprise to discover this each time. Because really, you don’t ever know if the next time you are hit will be the one that will knock you flat. Each time I’m amazed to discover that vein of resilience within. 

 

And see the relationships that matter come through with support. 

 

Yesterday the abdominal pain spiked again. I got an emergency appointment with the gastro. He decided to also x-ray the ribs. The spouse had meetings and could not accompany me, but my daughter rushed to the hospital and sat with me through the long waits in radiology, and while registering for an endoscope. Initially I was disoriented, but she sorted out papers and pointed me to the right rooms and elevators. She also brought an extra scarf for me as I had left in a hurry and forgotten to take one. Hospital can be such cold places. Eventually wrapped in warm scarves we sat in a shrimp ramen place and ate piping bowls of noodles. Noodles are comfort food for me. Carbs fill that aching exhaustion, soothe the fear — for me they do anyway. 

 

The first week in December has been a sort of microcosm of the year. Good, painful, surprising. 

 

The first four days of the month writing flowed in a satisfying way. On, Tuesday I went for a briefing session for a community outreach program I am involved with. I heard about the number of workshops the program had completed and number of people it had trained. It gave me immense pleasure to see how much our small steps had accomplished. And slipping into a book has been easy and relieving. One book finished and one more by the weekend. Training slow, but never giving up. 

 

Sometimes the pain, physical and emotional, swells and engulfs. I sag a bit and allow it space and then go on. Yes, I am a fighter. Have been since childhood and karate has strengthened that strain in me. I don’t mean to ‘blow my trumpet’ here today but I did need to remind myself of my strength.