A Map for December 2022

 Friday December 2, 2022

We have arrived here! Time zoomed through many months of 2022, but has been crawling in the last two for me. It’s also been busy and tiring, externally and internally.

 The one word I would use for this year is disruptive. Each time I arrived at some measure of peace or lightness, or a feeling that ‘I’m going to be ok now,’ I’ve been smacked around and reminded that things will go wrong — especially when I have put my feet up, stretched contentedly, and reached for a glass of wine, while watching the sky turn from bright to night. 

 But the human mind and body are tremendously elastic and resilient. I am reminded of those dolls we made for Physics class in 7^th grade, to demonstrate how a low centre of gravity equals a state of being where the doll re-finds equilibrium in an upright position even when pushed around. Many made their dolls with eggs — making a hole in the egg at the pointy end, letting it drain dry, and dropping in sand or pebbles, then painting it nicely. They worked well but had holes in their head. Others used two ping pong balls, the lower one cut in half and re-pasted after a weight has been taped to the bottom. These were cute but sometimes the balls rolled apart. I used a rubber ball the size of a cricket ball for the bottom and ping pong for the top with a stick that passed through both. I cut the rubber ball in half and stuck in a heavy paper weight and cello taped it together again first, then connected it to the ping pong ball and dressed the doll in a robe and wizard’s hat. Watching it roll back up was always so satifying. 

 I guess I have lowered my emotional centre of gravity with age. I roll back up despite the knocks. It is satisfying though exhausting. Oops I shouldn’t have said that aloud. Sure to receive a knockout blow soon.

 I don’t know why I want to do this — except my guts says I should — but I have recorded in my journal three challenges for this last month of the year. Maybe it’s my last chance to say, hey not too bad a year after all. I also have decided to not feel miserable if I fail in these challenges but laugh at myself for thinking I could defy the spirits of 2022. So the map is ready but if I go nowhere it is ok. 

 I should tell you what I have challenged myself with. I’ve kept it easy and doable. 

1.     Writing 20,000 words in the month and having a draft for a 5000-word story around karate. Like a mini, very mini, nanowrimo (national novel writing month, normally done in November) in December. A writing buddy is also doing her own challenge. 

2.     Doing a minimum of ten kata daily – making it up if I miss a day. This one was inspired by a friend doing a more challenging version of this challenge. Right now, I have bruised my ribs so my movements are likely to resemble a snails. But who says snails are too slow?

3.     Reading a book a week and reaching 47 books this year.

 I should be organizing things as everything — as in my closet, my books, my journals, my stationery, the kitchen, in fact anything that has doors in the living room too — is so messy. And mess outside creates a sense of dense anxiety inside. But instead, I am doing this. Because my gut tells me to. 

 What I need to do is relax, as in ‘flaneur’ and sip coffee in cafes, but I feel some structure and work might be more relaxing right now. Some measured work daily that allows my mind and body to then slip into the satisfaction that completing it creates. Yes, my gut tells me this. 

 If I can say ‘my gut tells me’ then I suppose I have moved a bit away from the state I was in a month ago when I felt I hardly knew myself. Maybe the changed profile pic helped. I made a few more very tiny changes beyond that too. 

It’s been a hard year. I still feel more heavy and dread-filled than light and hopeful. And I don’t think 2023 will be easier but I hope it might. It’s funny how we do that — hold all kinds of confusing contradictions within ourselves while at the same time wanting one-pointed clarity.