Challenges, Goals, Experiments

December 19, 2022

The challenge I am most behind in is the one i set for words/story-draft. Only 7000 words (instead of 11,700) and not a single word in my draft file. Though a story I would call, Sanchin Magic, is beginning to shape internally. Yet a blog post is banging around in my head wanting to come out. 

 

This morning when I filled in and photographed my challenge record, I noticed something that excited me. All year I have tried to find structure and ‘regularity’ in the things I do and have failed spectacularly, then beaten myself up and called myself a failure, a loser, etc. etc. etc. I’ve spent several hours consulting with my spouse, urging him to help with his scheduling projects experience, in making work charts. Nothing has worked.

 

Now I see that I am better at binging. I cannot, just cannot, do the same thing every day but if I set a general goal for the month, I can work my way towards it with long gaps and sudden spurts. I think I sort of knew this about myself but in the long, arid, desert of 'barely any words month after month', I decided to follow the advise that the muse would show up if one sat at one’s desk at scheduled times. That just sitting there on dry days and sharpening the pencils while waiting for the words that had to appear sometime in the near future was a worthwhile occupation. But all that I have done is wasted hours and then felt miserable about that. Though I also do believe in my father’s words, Don’t be afraid to waste your life. 

 

I’ve also trapped myself into the belief that when something is a way of life one does it every day. There is truth in that. Especially in the beginning of things, daily practice helps it seep into our blood and bones. But any belief is a 'blind spot'. It assumes that everyone works in the same way. Specifically in this case maybe for some people binging helps absorb the essence of things? We do come out of retreats — whether meditation or karate — with new insights into the same old thing we were doing daily. It also assumes that every day, week, year can be the same. But time flows and with it we change and no moment can ever be the same. No perfect day can be replicated by trying. No practice can be done so rigidly, right?

 

Suddenly I don’t really know what I am writing about. But one of the major conflicts of my year has been about allowing flow and following structure. I have been through times when structure inspires flow, but also know that neither can be scheduled. I’ve been silly in trying to do the things that matter on a daily or regular basis hoping for growth in those things. And I’ve been silly in the way I have tried to cram an over-brimming schedule into an already full day. I’ve been silly in setting daily challenges for a whole month. It just does not work for me. But a general goal seems to be ok?

 

Maybe I’ll try that in the first month of 2024 and see what happens. Maybe the rest of the month will show me something else. Now that this is on paper I can get back to my story draft J

 

Interested in knowing what works for you in creative pursuits and in learning endeavors.