September 26, 2021
This one is a request from a friend. Thanks for prodding me to write a post—you know who you are.
I’ve been busy and I’ve been muddling through a mixture of doubtful feelings about hmm… what else karate and writing. Been feeling very tired and frustrated teaching karate in continued covid times. I thought the restrictions would be done with at some point but they go on and on. Meanwhile attention to all, and subsequently the curriculum, suffers as I am forced to stick with the same group of five throughout the class. Also, either the zoom attendees get a good training or the ones present in class do, as I make choices about how much partner work to include. Round and round and no way out, but perhaps the circle is not closed but is an outward-bound spiral?
Battling with these thoughts I made my way to the library after training yesterday. I had a pile of books that I had borrowed but not read, well I'd read one out of six, to return. These days I seem to be searching for answers to life issues outside myself, often in books. I browse books, carry them home and feel disappointed when they resolve nothing. I do this a lot, but at least I am not buying them. Yesterday I looked at the shelves of book choices curated by the librarians and picked up three. I’ve found writers I’ve never heard of but loved once I read them, on these shelves. Two sounded interesting but something inside knew that I wouldn’t read them. I put them away. They don’t have the solutions I need. I walked to the back and pulled out a few books of poetry. I read for the hour they allow one to sit in the library on weekends. I borrowed three.
At home, I heard a podcast. An interview with Walter Mosley. The interviewer quoted from his book, ‘You need poetry in your life or your words will never sing with the divinity of the ordinary.’ I felt a quickening. I wanted to write the divinity of the ordinary but was so far from it at present.
I’ve enrolled in an online writing course. It has shown me so clearly the ways in which my writing has diminished. It is painful but I feel a sense of detachment about it too—like I am looking at myself from outside and deciding what steps to take to find the beauty and truth in writing again. Also believing, despite having no reason to, that I can do this.
And a report on my progress. After re-writing chapter one of the novel I couldn’t find my way into chapter two. But I’d managed to map out the story arc, and I’ve lived with this book for so many years that I moved on and re-wrote one further along. Then fleshed out the ‘skeletons’ of two more. I could have worked further on the novel, but I really wanted to unfold the temple story. I wrestled with it five days a week for two weeks. It is the story of a friendship torn apart by differing political opinions. I began writing it from the perspective of the person closest to my own opinions, those critical of the government, but was unhappy. I wanted to write this story to explore the pain I feel that conversations about politics end with neither side changing even an iota of their opinions. This wasn’t always so and I need to find a way to the other side. So, I changed perspective and wrote from the character who supports the government so thoroughly that she never challenges or questions their messes. This is hard but if can proceed it will be worthwhile. So far all I have is the name of my MC. Last Sunday I was able to recite the entire story to my spouse. I said this happens and then this and then this. But I still cannot find the words to write it on paper. I don’t know in which sequence and shape to tell it. It’s extremely frustrating. I think I’ll shelve it for a while. As for the work on the karate writing, I haven’t done anything, not even read my older pieces which I have printed out and put together.
This is where I am. Writing more, happier with it, but not making much tangible progress yet definitely brewing internally. Also, I am struggling with lack of sleep. It leaves me perennially exhausted but forces me to prioritize and make choices, drop out of things as I no longer have the energy to do everything that wants to be done. I think this was one of the messages of my obliterator. My symptoms still guide me but I'd love a ton more sleep, just one night would be great.
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