Day 9 of 27 — Conflict, My sis and I

June 29, 2021

My sis has been in the midst of a conflict since one day prior to the day she tested covid positive. A friend, F, whom I often felt was exploiting my sis’s helpful nature, demanded that my sis part with one of her helpers, because, ‘You have two and mine is leaving.’ 

 

When my sis told me about it I said, ‘WTH, she has cheek. Don’t do anything of the sort.’ My sis on the other hand was considering the demand, though she agreed that she would have preferred if it had been a request.

 

The next day my sis tested positive and Bombay Municipal Corporation sealed the house. Nobody could leave and everyone would be tested, they said. When my sis told F this, instead of showing concern, F exploded. She said my sis was using this as an excuse to avoid sending her helper over. My sis tried to explain but F accused her of lying, threatened her with a police case saying she had imprisoned the helper, etc. She sent several WhatsApp’s a day, left voicemails and called the land line which my mum answered as my sis was isolated in her bedroom. 

 

I fumed from afar, and wanted to phone F and tell her off. My style of dealing with conflict contrasts that of my sis’s.

 

The helper tested positive and F’s messages changed. She started saying, ‘We forgive you.’ I wondered what F had to forgive my sis for. My sis maintained her silence. F began blaming her for spoiling a long friendship and decided to block her. 

 

My sis avoids all conflict, while I charge in like a rabid animal. But after several years of conflict resolution training, reading a ton of books about facilitation and spiritual resolution methods, I’ve tempered my approach. I still like to clarify the conflict as soon as possible. I will say what I feel clearly and strongly, but I also listen and journal trying to feel into the other side—things said and unsaid, accusations and feelings driving the differences, and what’s common on both sides. I don't believe that 'time will solve this', but need to have it all out in the open, and can only move forward once I’ve talked with the person involved. 

 

As you can imagine when my sis and I fight it’s a mess. I insist she talk, and she withdraws into silence—shaking her head, crying sometimes because she cannot or does not want to express more. I hate her for it, I hate the distance it creates. I need to feel the closeness again.

 

In the past I always thought that my way was better, because it lead to connection and better understanding of each other. Today though  I  told her that she showed me in which situations her way is best. I would have got angry, fought with F, and prolonged the fight. I couldn’t resist adding though that probably her style is not best suited for conflicts with loved ones. She giggled.