today

monday may 13. i have arrived on this day with a faint trace of a plan for moving forward. its a very strange feeling. i have made many plans for a while but most of them either to do something that i had to do (often to take care of something that i had made a mess of) or sometimes, and i feel embarrassed as i admit this, just to fill the time so i don't feel the hollow emptiness of the day. yes, plans made to avoid feeling the depth of the sense that i am drifting and drifting compass-less through vast unknown seas. sometimes i close my eyes and imagine what it might feel like to be lost at sea with each wave undistinguishable from the one before. i have felt this way internally for a while even as i have been busy doing 'things' over the last two months.

pain levels began to decrease on thursday and i felt hopeful of my back healing and my mind finding calm sanity.

but friday was another one of those strange days that has become the norm lately. oftentimes in life days are quite 'normal' and fall nicely below the hump of a bell curve plotting the ordinariness of days. but lately my days have mostly fallen at the 'very bizarre' end of the curve creating a large hump there and probably shifting the curve itself so that is the new norm.

i woke on friday to find that the internet connection in the apartment was on the blink. nothing i did allowed me to connect and  attempts to restore it further disrupted it. i had no choice but to flow with this even though my day normally begins with answering emails and reading news online. some part of me angered, felt persecuted while another i curiously found said 'hmmm, so what should i do with all this extra time.' and with that thought i observed another part of myself glad about the disorder and wanting to loll in the muddle.

for a long time i had identified with wanting so badly to put the crazy days behind and finally start finding routine, structure and meaning in my days again. for long this had eluded me and on friday i finally let go of this desire. we had plans to see iron man that evening but when we arrived at the door of the theatre we were told that the projector was on the blink and we could get a refund or see another film. how often does that happen i wondered? we saw another film and went to find some dinner. finding something - probably part of a paper napkin - in my soup unsettled that.

i had moved by then into a part of myself that witnesses events without being entangled in them. i surrendered finally to whatever trickster winds had been disrupting my plans all this year welcoming the crumbling patterns and beliefs i was. 

so to arrive today to a whisper of a plan is unnerving. i dreamt last night of walking over the rooftops of beautifully carved ancient temples, revelling in the intricate details of the sculpted images. i knew when i woke that it was time to find a way in.

i have three projects i want to grapple with this year; to revise and edit my fantasy novel, to gather people together and work on re-writing some of the most oppressive hindu myths i know and to explore the time i was boiled like a frog. all of them tug at me a bit but none really have the wonderful whoosh of energy that would pull me in and along. so maybe just spending some unstructured time with each daily might point me where i need to go?

i also know that i need to keep that part of me that loves disorder happy. but the paradox of this is that if i plan disruption into my days then would merely be another form of order, right? i am beginning to realise that there are more chaotic blasts ahead but i am leaning forward, throwing my arms wide and letting them blow my hair all over my face.