chronic pain and i am drifting. unsure of who or what i am. feeling like a mass of particles that are trying hard to come together but achieving that only for moments. its strange what i can and cannot do when i am in this pain. maybe that tells me something about myself?
i can wake up and make a cup of tea. i can do household chores and also easily do the part-time work i do. that surprises me because the work requires listening and reflecting and asking sensible questions. but i think that its so much a part of me that i can do it even while some other part of me is totally focused on the pain. listening to someone else's pain takes me away from mine.
i hurt my back in feb and with all the going-ons between then and now i did not give enough attention to it for proper healing. then i re-injured it in the dojo last thursday and the pain level shot up from around a three or four to an eight.
of course the first thing i could not do was my physical activity. no gymming, no running and no karate. descartes said 'i think therefore i am.' sometimes i only know my body exists when i arrive fully into it and when i am practicing karate is one of those times i know i have a body. now instead of feeling a body i only feel pain. i feel pain therefore i exist?
on saturday i had signed up for a fiction writing course and in chronic pain i arrived wondering if i would get through the day. the body and mind can accomplish more than i give it credit for. i could sit through the day, participate in the activities and have good conversations with others despite a pain level of 6-8 throughout the day. but that was where it ended. alone, i could not focus enough to write at all after that. part of me feels 'i write therefore i am' and so i felt lost and wondered if i existed and my self scattered away in little bits floating in a shape that was not at all me.
murakami's 'what i talk about when i talk about running' had been calling to me for a while so i began reading it on the friday after i had the injury. most times when my concentration is weakened by pain i cannot read. i watch tv or stare out of the window. but the book was speaking directly about two things that i too hold important in my life. writing and physical activity. i enjoy pushing my body, setting challenges for it and accomplishing them. murakami runs almost daily and he wrote the book when he was forty and found his body was slowing down, not able to achieve what it could before. that touched a cord within. at fifty-two i feel i cannot do what i could last year.
i have set myself a goal of going to a gasshuku in koh samui every march. in the last two years the number of training hours has increased from an original sixteen over four days to more than thirty over seven. this year i struggled through the week and i did not like what i was feeling. maybe next year i will have my mojo back but meanwhile its hard and especially with this back strain i feel old.
i had always believed that the mind would continue functioning when the body began giving up. i am not so sure anymore. i haven't been able to think clearly or write over the last few days. perhaps writing is still something new to me and i am still in my learning phase around it? i wonder at what point something becomes a natural part of me? and i wonder if that takes away from the newness of it? does it take away from creativity and joy that comes from beginners mind?
i have set myself a goal of going to a gasshuku in koh samui every march. in the last two years the number of training hours has increased from an original sixteen over four days to more than thirty over seven. this year i struggled through the week and i did not like what i was feeling. maybe next year i will have my mojo back but meanwhile its hard and especially with this back strain i feel old.
i had always believed that the mind would continue functioning when the body began giving up. i am not so sure anymore. i haven't been able to think clearly or write over the last few days. perhaps writing is still something new to me and i am still in my learning phase around it? i wonder at what point something becomes a natural part of me? and i wonder if that takes away from the newness of it? does it take away from creativity and joy that comes from beginners mind?
on monday the pain had gone down to about a five but i felt worse than ever. the constant pain nagged at me and i felt very depressed. i ended up fighting with my family. the pain had weakened my capacity to hold intense feelings. we all blew up but luckily our 'learned natural' ability to love, care and reconcile with each other kicked in.
yesterday i visited the a and e. the pain was scary and i wanted answers. my pressure was 162/94. crazy high. pain drives blood pressure up. the x-rays showed no injury to the spine and i was relieved. but i was disoriented and got on the wrong bus. i got off and found a little chicken rice place and ate a plate of the best chicken rice i have had in a while. i slept like the dead when i got home.
today the pain is still about a five. i wanted to write but i had nothing to say and no words to say it with. but still i wanted to write and so i did. wonder when i will have even half hour of no pain?
yesterday i visited the a and e. the pain was scary and i wanted answers. my pressure was 162/94. crazy high. pain drives blood pressure up. the x-rays showed no injury to the spine and i was relieved. but i was disoriented and got on the wrong bus. i got off and found a little chicken rice place and ate a plate of the best chicken rice i have had in a while. i slept like the dead when i got home.
today the pain is still about a five. i wanted to write but i had nothing to say and no words to say it with. but still i wanted to write and so i did. wonder when i will have even half hour of no pain?
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