lost and... found?

my plans are not going well. there are times when i can plan, make a schedule and move ahead quickly and do what i wanted to. those times nothing stops me. not physical or emotional pain, relationship conflict or external forces. all obstacles i push aside and just get going. this is not one of those times but for some reason i am feeling no pressure to hurry. there is an urgency but no pressure and i am wondering about that.

i began reading hindu myths by wendy doniger on monday. i think i chose her book for she seems to just translate the myth with all its strangeness and ambiguity and not change it by interpreting it or putting her own bias into it. the book seems to allow the myths as they were in the rg veda or puranas to speak for themselves. though as she herself says these myths were part of an oral tradition and there is no way of dating the myths or even knowing how they were changed before being recorded. 

reading these myths is unpleasant. they are sexist and often brutally bloodthirsty. reading too many in one go i feel might even desensitise me to violence and pain . the first one in the book, a creation myth, mentions incest and how 'the' father slakes his desire by raping his daughter and from that union life begins. i want to vomit. its difficult to read them and not disgustingly throw the book down the garbage chute. its aslo disheartening to notice how male domination goes back so far back and how there are a disproportionate number of male characters (gods, demons, humans) in them. what hope does the collective hindu psyche have with this as part of its heritage? more on this later.

meanwhile my daughter found a free e-book - the first of a trilogy titled when 'women were warriors'. the book is a waking dream and perfectly balances the hindu myths. the book, as the title may suggest to some, is not about a mere role reversal where an oppressive matriarchy holds power and dominates men. it is a beautiful telling of women's stories that are gentle and wise. unlike the hindu myths which also contain wisdom but are filled with violence, these are like songs for my soul. the hindu myths beg to be interpreted. this book just wants to be felt. or so thats the impact of the first hundred pages on me. there seem to be many important themes and questions within the book, many archetypes that pull me in, but they are taking their time to unfold and slowly breathe within me. more on this too later. 

for now, i had begun the task of reading the hindu myths and magically another book which showed me a way in which i would want to re-write these myths has fallen into my hands. lets see where it takes me. i don't know why but sometimes, especially at times when things are not going so well, i look for signs that i can interpret as prophetic omens of hopefully good things to come.

on tuesday i woke eager to take my plan from the day before forward. first on agenda was some physical activity and after long i took my sai out to play. the day developed in an unexpected way when i came back after a sweaty hour and looked for my new canvas sai cover to put them back into but could not find it. this cover was very special to me. i had looked for one like it here in singapore but all i had found was a large bag like semi-soft case which i had to carry around. finally when i went to okinawa last year i got this soft canvas cover which slips into my back pack. i loved this cover and on tuesday i could not find it anywhere.

i was shocked at the impact this had on me. i suddenly felt drained and all the losses of the year - particularly the death of our two hamsters - all the things out of my control came flooding in and hit me like a solid blow to the solar plexus. our apartment is small and the search for it didn't take long. at some point i knew it was gone but i could not let go. my daughter reminded me that i could easily order one online but i just wanted it back. it became more than a sai cover. it became a symbol of everything about this year that i needed to grieve and all that i had felt unfair and unjust. irrationally i spent the day crying over it and thinking of places it might show up in. but i could not find it. 

my husband and daughter were amazing. they respected my feelings but no amount of support eased my heartache. i hungered to just get it back.

magically that evening my husband found it in the linen closet with the duster cloths. it must have got washed with them during the non-move and in the chaos of those times hid away among them. i was deliriously happy. something dark and heavy within me lifted and hope floated in. i imagined that the losses of this year would end. they may not,  but my whacky mind still soared uncontrollably when it was found.

actually my life makes very little sense right now. the choices i made and the paths i chose five years ago are haunting me. i seem to want to go back to bombay and be closer to my mother and sister. perhaps its just because my mom has been unwell and i want to be there with them while she is healing. perhaps there is a shift in my priorities. perhaps i am remembering who i am again. there is an urgency to know but strangely still no pressure. is this what feeling like i am where i need to be feels like? i am attached to this easy feeling lasting but who knows what even the next hour will bring.