Towards the End of the Trip

October 7, 2024

I’m reaching the end of my trip. On most trips here on the last days I am sad to leave and wish I had a few more days. On my February trip though I couldn’t leave fast enough and even the last day felt too much. This time I am sad to leave but not desperate to leave, and I have no desire to stay. 

            Until yesterday I felt the trip was a waste but suddenly all three of us felt something shift at teatime yesterday, something very heavy and dense lifted and our moods were lighter and hopeful, even though mom’s left ankle and calves, and knee had swollen up. There was a sense of accomplishment or completion though not much has been accomplished or completed. At the most I can say that the point we have reached is that of lowered confusion; we have a good ortho, and are able to figure out what might help her. 

            I can’t yet see the path that got us here — from the apprehension I felt while flying in, to the cheer between us all; from the pained, shrunken, person, I saw on the first day to the Mom who pushes herself up from her bed without help and walks more steps on her good days. 

            Mom and I fought a lot. Even yesterday morning we had a bitter fight in which I huffed off. I felt her language was that of victimhood and of ‘dis-ease’. She felt no agency but would say things like her health condition prevented this or that. As I tried to shift it, she got more stubborn about it and stuck to identifying with being unwell — and yesterday wasn’t even one of her bad days. I had to meditate and then walk around until noon, when I go help her stretch and put on a cold pack after, to feel calmer. I also watched the garden — crows were chasing the kite who was waddling and looking for twigs on the ground but when it turned around the crows scattered. A cat appeared once the sun was higher and the birds and hidden away. It groomed itself lying partially in the shade of large yellow-orange flowers. Each garden vision made me smile. 

I guess on this trip I learnt to communicate in ways Mom would listen — humour and even at times mimicking her actually helped. My sister and I fought less than ever. She began enjoying the exercises I used to try to get her to do in the past but never had succeeded. I understood Mom has good days, medium days, and really bad days — and sometimes all of them on the same day. On bad days she can barely raise her left arm and is super cranky, on good days she feels hopeful of getting back to the old normal though she can’t do most things that she could do just in February. On bad days I would never force her to exercise, though I did force on her a very light massage, and gentlest of movement and stretching. As the days passed, she agreed that it didn’t increase the pain and helped loosen some of the stiffness.

            In some ways my presence was essential in getting here. I too, like them both, was a lazy person until my karate dream got me involved on this journey where I understood my body and its limits better. I understood more about the bone and musculature supports of the body when I trained vigorously. I learnt self-massage on points of pain, and this helped me to massage out her knots. I know how muscular pain goes up and down and I know the difference between the pain of pinched nerves, a fracture, or just sore muscles after weight training.

            All this is unknown to them.

            I am weary though and I think it comes through in this writing. I feel bereft and very far from my own life and dreams and unsure how I will find my way back. I am scared that I might never because the effort might be too exhausting. I guess I have to go the way of doing without doing and waiting without trying. That’s something I have forgotten how to do.

            I know though that the counting of days until I leave wasn’t about desperation to leave but about the feeling that I need to be elsewhere. That feels like a ‘truth’ for my Self.