Taking a Break

October 27, 2024

             My body and mind are recovering from a violent gastric virus. It started with my spouse getting it two Fridays ago, and two days later I followed. I’m not going to describe it for even thinking about it makes my head reel. Too close to it yet.

He recovered faster though still feels drained at times. I am taking longer.

It disturbed my balance, and what I thought the rest of the year, or at least October would look and feel like. I had thought I might slip into finally doing the things I felt I had missed out on during this turbulent and windy year that pulled my inner boat off any courses I had set for myself. Currents pulling away and out, which I fought hard for a while to get back on course.

The illness further added to the feeling of being blown off course by winds and currents and now it seems the better course is to go with the winds and currents. 

And I feel a blankness, an inability to reclaim the structures from my life anyway. They feel meaningless, alien. Which makes me wonder that perhaps they are no longer the ones I need. Nothing makes sense — the things I hate or the things I love or the things that help relax. Nothing makes sense.

Sunk deeper into the darkness. 

And the reason I write this blog are no longer clear. I have felt my writing unauthentic for a while, but I thought I would find the genuine voice and self again. Perhaps, or of course, I will but not anytime soon I am sure. 

So, taking a break from blogging. Doing it while not knowing why I do it, does not make sense. Thank you to some of you who have read and responded. It always feels nice to know you have been heard. 

But the forces I sense are telling me to be quiet and 'unheard', for a bit. I’m sure you know times in your own life when you’ve felt this. It feels a bit sad. A bit scary. A bit isolating but the ‘world’ is really never far away.