Tuesday Rambling

May 14, 2024

The longest (I think), the biggest (for sure), and the most expensive (definitely) election (rather non-election) in the world continues. It is so obvious that this process barely fits into an exercise of democracy; what with comprised institutions, and a PM that doesn’t follow the model code of conduct, and regularly lies and spews hate in his rallies. Yet supposedly clever and good journalists, like Barkha Dutt, rush to defend democracy with words like a robust election etc. I don’t really know what kind of internal conflict it takes to deliberately be blind to the one-sidedness of the process, to not see the infractions, and the conduct of the Election Commission. I salute the U-tubers that bravely bring out the bias and inequality of the process, and the impunity with which ruling party candidates behave. I've said this before but can't say it enough. Salute!

I know Dutt calls these U-tubers activists and not journalists. Not sure if they still call her a respected journalist? What does a respected journalist do when steeped in an environment where journalists are just propogandists? Doesn’t that require re-questioning of previously held beliefs and ‘truths’ about journalism? 

Yes, I am frustrated at the state of media in India. I grew up with a robust and fearless media and seeing the simpering bunch of sycophants makes me feel miserable. The PM apparently gave forty ‘exclusive’ interviews in the last two months where he repeated the exact same thing and gave advice to the pretend-journalists on how to present the news.

I’ve been stumbling in my writing. I am not happy with it but also am unable to see how to improve it. I suppose it is good that at least I can see that it is mediocre to bad. The comments from my teacher on the assignments in the memoir class show me that. They probe and ask me to ask myself what I am trying to say and why I am using the specific details that I do. I know the comments are right for I ask myself similar questions before I submit. I tie myself up in knots on whether to submit or not and then convince myself that sending in something is better than sending nothing. 

Last week’s comments left me particularly discouraged. I began to feel I am a terrible writer, and I should quit. Quit writing or at least quit the course. If I quit the course, I could still maintain the illusion that I was a decent writer. I remembered a time in my life when I felt the same about karate. I was stumbling around forever on a plateau-ed state. I could see I was bad but didn’t know how to improve. It went on for ages. I trained and taught through it and all the self-doubt. Not sure why I did it, just as I am not sure why I continue to write through the state I am in. Giving up and moving onto to something else I am better at is easier, isn’t it?

The same evening I got the comments back from my teacher, two of my black-belts and I had an online training with the chief instructor of our karate organization. He was pleased with the standard exhibited by my junior black belts. He said to me, “You didn’t give up and look at where you are now.” I think he might be remembering the time he was considering grading me but found my technique lacking focus and power. He told me to train harder and come back the next year. He did organize a few private lessons with the top teachers of the organization to help me. 

I guess I should take inspiration from it and hope someday I will get off this writing plateau too. And though I do not have a private tutor, reading and reflecting on good books is like having a private mentor. 

A writer friend once told me that I should use the resilience and tenacity I had to get my black belt in other aspects of my life. She knew bits of the story of that journey which seemed epic at one time but almost inevitable now. We were sitting drinking cocktails in Bangkok on a sultry evening after I had attended a writing workshop she had conducted. Her four-hour long workshop required stamina and tenacity to write through until the end. 

She is right but sometimes I find it hard to transfer between processes while feeling so rotten. 

Interested in hearing about things, times, and places, you’ve stumbled around in and what kept you going through the blocked state.

Thanks for reading my Tuesday ramblings.