Decompressing

March 28, 2022

I passed my san dan test Saturday night. 

 

There is a ton to unpack and as usual when in feel mired in the 'muchness' of inner thoughts I get paralyzed. Start here, start now, I tell myself. 

 

I am sitting on the black futon in my writing room typing on this keyboard. My back leans against the black and white zebra striped cushion. I don’t remember the last time I did this. I feel in this moment like I have felt when I have returned home from a karate camp — where I lived in a dormitory with eight women sharing one rudimentary, never clean, bathroom — and taken my first hot shower in days, after which I sit on my couch with a satisfied grin and a glass of red wine. 

 

Over the last weeks I have felt so much envy when writer friends have talked about finishing a writing project, or just attempting to free write, or journaling, or joining a free class, or doing anything writerly including reading a craft book or reading fiction. I have considered skipping my bi-monthly zoom chats with them just because I felt ashamed to say that once again I had done no writing, and practically zero reading too. 

 

Since the invite to grade to san dan came a few weeks ago — all, absolutely all — my free time has gone into karate. At first it was studying for the theory test and training, and once the written was over just training and watching videos of katas done by senior Sensei’s to try to catch the rhythms and pauses, to understand the slow sequences and the explosions. I have felt saturated, inundated, exhausted, more exhausted. Anxious and unable to sleep which made me even more exhausted.

 

I learnt a lot about myself during this time. Once the invite came, I put up a sign saying, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, and got going. There were countless moments that I felt I would fail. Then I’d look at that sign and go on despite.

 

Then that incident that I wrote about in my last blog happened and I realized just how little I believed in myself at this time. It was a timely warning, to not let this happen before or during the test, but to remain keyed into success throughout and never give up till it was done. 

 

I wrote about my ups and down in my journal. The details of where I seemed to be improving and what still sucked. I accepted my slowness, and my lack of ‘natural’ karate ability. I wondered despite that why I had kept going when I my last Singy Sensei left the country. What crazy devil had made me believe then that I could teach a class? Why did I keep going after 2018 when I was told that I wasn’t ready to test for sandan. Why didn’t I give up then — not the learning, but at least the teaching? I was all self-doubt and nothing else then. I have pulled out and read my journals from that raw time. I need to dig for these answers. It will tell me even more about myself.

 

After the test, after the announcement that I had passed, my Virgoan perfectionist mind berated me. It began searching out all the mistakes I had made because I got nervous. Then later, while I was showering, something else kicked in and shoved those thoughts aside. I wasn’t going to let perfectionism spoil the feeling I was feeling. I had passed. I had achieved a goal which a part of me never thought I would achieve. 

 

I don’t feel different today. I mean I am happy, but I don’t feel suddenly like I know more or that I am a better karateka just because I got this grade. I think I had felt more chuffed after both my shodan and nidan tests. In some ways I know why, and I intend writing about that another day. Today I feel like I took a test and I passed, but I will only be better if I keep learning. I also am still too tired to really feel that below the surface bubbling euphoria. I need sleep. 

 

I do feel like that thick elastic band, that pulls me back into the stagnant circles of being that I felt stuck in internally, has loosened a little bit. I feel like one of the invisible heavy steel balls I carry around in pouches tied to my body has slipped off. My circle has widened, the movement feels more forward, and I feel a tad lighter. 

 

I am happiest though because this seems to have released my word block a little bit. Let’s see what happens next. I will watch the sun set this evening, but now I have a dental appointment, after which I  will reward myself with a visit to the library, and with a couple of new sakura ballsign id pens if i can find them in Tokyu Hands :)