March 16, 2022
It’s been a long silence. From the blog with also with myself, with my journal. I’ve jotted down some thoughts and feelings and drawn thumbnails of expression, but it’s been mostly a time of silence. A busy time. An unquiet time. An anxious time.
I’ve had one project after another that needed focus. A tunneled and absolute focus which dried my energy and robbed me of my ability to describe what I was going through. It felt horrible. I know myself through writing and I didn’t write. Those projects really needed focus.
And that focus was so intense on one part of me that it disconnected me from others. I couldn't even claim March 10th as a work free day and listen to the election results and analysis. I began to feel that I had all these holes in me, the missing parts, that were making me less and less solid, and present. I didn’t know how to fill them. I told my artist friend this on our Wednesday morning call yesterday. A call which we had missed for three weeks as he too was into a focused project. I know myself also from chats with him and those too had been gone.
I know a lot of people who can keep going, through tough times, even when they are unable to connect within. Some even say that it helps to stay in that zone, to disconnect all else and tunnel. I thought the same but project after project this year has required this and I couldn't do it anymore. Last night I stayed up and wrote in my journal. My heart was thudding after a near disaster with something I had wanted to do well in. I felt I had let myself down as I had let a series of stressors get to me and reached a point where an inner voice was saying, Forget this, just get it over with and get out. Nothing really works like you want it to these days anyway.
That is a belief system I have been stuck with after several years of projects and successes coming so close to completion and then falling away. But I didn’t know how deeply the belief had dug its talons into me. It lurked beneath the surface ready to rear up and sabotage something vital at the appropriate moment. And I saw that even as I continued to put in my best efforts into things that mean a lot, the past disappointments have got me into a state where I give up just near the end. I let things slip away. The thing is that I don’t really believe in myself right now.
A lesson learnt of course. Even when impatient and stressed, when all I want to do is give up and just get it over with, I need to stay alert and apply my full self. To believe in myself even through the string of failures.
And there is a voice shouting, Universe! Enough with these lessons. I want a sense of forward movement again. Are you listening!
The drought of words continues but today I needed to open the unused tap and start letting out the air so the flow might restore — even as a part of myself is engaged in another 'tunnelled' project. This time I want to try to do it differently.
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