Three Pronged Healing

 August 16, 2021

 

Healing is complex. I want to document the current journey from discomfort-disease and uncertainty, to health and knowledge. This time my approach alternates between three things. Investigating the symptoms medically, processing them, and blogging about the path. 

 

The medical investigation so far has been patchy. My regular GP wasn’t in when I visited the clinic, though I had called to confirm her presence, she had an emergency and didn’t come in that afternoon. The specialists I met were disappointing—mostly in terms of not listening to either my symptoms or my fears, instead pushing ahead with their normal MO. This left me feeling unsure about seeking second opinions. I came away from both doctors blaming myself in different ways. It took a while to let go of that feeling. What if the new ones I meet are not different? My boxes will remain unticked and I will feel again like it is my fault. After all many others in the doctor’s office seemed fine with the approach the doctor had. Better I do nothing. But I do need their expertise. Sigh. The mind goes in a circle but I have made an appointment with another eye doc. 

 

The processing has released energy as I have connected to the power of the symptom makers. Both the obliterator and the breaker opener have tremendous vigour and it flows through me when I access them. Their message is clearer this week. I need to demolish what is and allow new patterns to emerge. It is extremely difficult to do. I try to do it in small ways thinking these will lead to bigger changes, but this is not ok this time. This time it is very clear that I need to make a clean sweep. I see a large hand, the hand of ‘God’, sweeping through my hours, upending everything it touches. When I make a small change immediately a body symptom reminds me that this is not the way. Whether I can clear myself out with the force required or not I don’t know, but  I will try. 

 

The last, blogging and inviting other’s experiences, has been the biggest contribution to my healing. I feel connected to others, not alone anymore, and listening to stories has shifted me into a more positive feeling state. I suppose because many of those who shared, in their own way rejected the system of external expertness that was subsuming their own internal wisdom. Some had expensive experiences which left them feeling broken, despite possibly successful surgeries, but they began trusting themselves more. Thank you, to all those who wrote on my wall and sent private messages, these have helped my healing journey in a huge way. 

 

It’s a sunny Monday afternoon. All morning my ears have been assaulted with loud drilling from the apartment below us. The headache amplifies with such noise, shrinking my whole self. The workmen are probably at lunch and the space feels expansive right now. They will be back soon though. It’s more than two weeks since my symptoms appeared. Today they are mild but I know they will not disappear till I absorb the messages they have for me. Part of me feels like I should stop the medical investigations as I feel sure that the symptoms are the result of my sinus infection which has aggravated intensely during these covid months—masks and not being able to travel away from Singy where my sinus allergies peak. The ENT’s say this is because of the moist Singy air and many suffer. Normally I travel away 3-4 times during the year and it breaks the cycle of the building sinus infection. But since my symptom is one-sided many doctors think it may be something else—a nerve issue or even a brain problem. I suppose I cannot ignore that.

 

I remember such one-sided headaches and pain from my past. The symptoms began in August of 1997. It was my first year of exposure to Mindell-ian process-oriented psychology and a time of much change—emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and also externally as in change of residence, job, new relationships. I drew a lot of interesting pictures during that time to process the symptoms, the last drawing of the series appeared in January 1998. The upheaval initiated then continued until 2004 and I hope this phase too leads to change. I’ve been feeling entrenched, stagnant, restless.

I'd love to hear what helps your healing.