Clearing

August 20, 2021

 

It’s been a ‘twilight’ kind of day. A soft light from an invisible sun has permeated the cloudy hours. I woke to a dark, very dark rainy sky, with lingering dreams wanting attention. In the second of the ones I remembered a wall in my living room became a collapsible door and the Japanese man from the adjoining apartment walked in and placed a dish of food on my dining table. We had never met but he walked around the apartment like he was ‘a familiar’, asking my spouse, daughter and I, questions about it. His family followed with more food, and then his guests, a family of white persons, also joined them. My family was surprised as we were sprawled on the couch not dressed for company, or in a party mood. 

 

But the dream didn’t feel intrusive, in fact there was a excitement of change in it. 

 

At 10 am I spoke with a very dear friend, a soul friend, whom I hadn’t been able to connect with since moving to Singapore. I told her that I didn’t understand it but I felt I, my persona, my intelligence, my awareness, my consciousness, had shrunk so much that I felt ashamed to speak to her. Fearful that she would no longer find me worthy. How silly, I added, I also know you would never judge me that way. I still don’t know where that feeling came from but instead of waiting to understand I am just going to blunder ahead and start breaking more ‘silly’ walls that have built up. We have a date to speak again. 

 

I don’t know what I am writing about. I know I want to say that though my healing from symptoms is not complete, I am done with doctors for now. I had a consultation with an eye doctor that confirmed, this time with thorough examination, that my eye is fine. Right now I don’t want to know more about the other symptoms as I feel convinced they are from my sinus infection, and I want to trust my body and mind to tell me things, and not necessarily experts or medical reports. Our bodies have wisdom. 

 

I don’t really want this post to scatter away in many directions, but I feel it is. While I was talking to my soul friend my phone started beeping with WhatsApp’s and I felt myself fly off in chasing so many conversations. Like dandelion seeds dispersing when blown by the wind or by human breath. I didn’t like that feeling and I knew that this was why I didn’t want to become that wall extending into infinity. So far from the centre, though I also knew for a wall like that the centre is everywhere. But I felt that I didn’t want to stretch myself, what if I became too thin. What if? Isn’t that like the collapsing apartment wall in my dream. 

 

I do know that allowing the hand, of that Giant, that symptom maker, into my life means sweeping away everything. Good and not so good. What works and what doesn’t. It is the thing about hoovering off that which works that is scary, right? And how do I know what will replace it? But the energy about scouring clean feels right.

 

I did clear a friendship that no longer worked, earlier this month. Or rather I understood why it didn’t work anymore. It’s one which I’ve had trouble letting go though the other person has brushed me away more than once. I had to know for sure if all the possibility from the friendship was done before I allowed the wind to carry it away. I knew possibility was when I saw her words, now she is immune, after I wrote to her that my sister had covid. I knew I couldn’t follow her into that light, that brilliant positivity, that ignores the shadows and truths. 

 

But perhaps it was that clearing that gave me the courage to reach out to my soul friend. That feels right, doesn’t it? At dusk, when misty clouds descend to the skyscraper tops, everything feels wiped, clean. 

 

What things do you need to allow the wind to carry away?