New dream

 September 29, 2020

 

The dreams shifted. I wasn’t trying to get to an airport anymore. 

 

Last night I dreamt I was in a foreign place. A car had just dropped me, and a couple, with our luggage on a kerb in the middle of a tourist area. I could see the silhouettes of monuments to sight-see in the distance. It was early morning and sunlight was making the sky brighter, the surrounding more clear. We left our luggage and wandered off in the euphoria of being a tourist in a new place. I had a passing thought about the luggage but I let it go, knowing that the couple I was with had been here before and were more seasoned travellers than me. I sort of felt they knew what they were doing. Of course when we went back to get our luggage it was not there and stupid me had even left my carry-on with all my money and documents there. The couple shrugged and said, well our hotel is pre-paid let’s just go and check in and enjoy what we can. Why stress while on holiday. I was perturbed but not as perturbed as I would be. I could just have a good time. The luggage was gone and why should I worry about recovering documents right away. There was a part of me that missed the luggage though and felt I would be happier if I hadn’t lost it. 

 

Of course I woke from this dream in a lighter space. I’ve had many dreams of losing all my documents and money in a foreign place. But this one had very little anxiety? How had that shift happened over the few days since I had those other dreams? I hadn’t quite noticed the shift. In fact, I had noticed a bit of anxiety at the exhaustion I was feeling that was preventing me from sticking to my routines. 

 

The first exhaustion is physical. It is deep and constant, in the muscles and beyond. For the first time this Sunday I taught two karate sessions back to back. Because of covid rules we split the class — one lot staying indoors and another training outdoors. But we can’t use the outdoor space now. The CC has a fitness class and it rains many mornings. When a student suggested an earlier start and two sessions indoors I resisted initially. Too early to wake, and then a longer training time for me. But I had to try, and it went smoothly, though I was more tired than usual. It also felt strange to teach a class and then watch people leave while starting a new one with a warm-up again. So my aging body feels super tired and I skipped my self-training yesterday.

 

Also there is the mental/emotional exhaustion of never ending masks, safe-entry check-ins in every place one enters, the lack of face to face contacts, not knowing when you can travel next—to see family, to just holiday—etc. etc. etc. Yesterday, I worked in the morning and read all afternoon. It felt really good but the feeling was that I needed a longer holiday, a month would be nice. 

 

People have been taking staycations. Maybe others have taken a week off work and done nothing. I don’t know what stops me. Yesterday I did draw a small person bent over a desk, with a bigger one swishing a whip around. There is a part of me that feels I need to work harder, and another who feels I need a vacation. A common inner-conflict. In the next drawing I drew the little person lying on the sofa, reading, and ignoring the bigger one. 

 

I want to ignore everything except reading and developing my writing. Good writing could do with time to ripen in. I still feel barriered. I still am unsure what to write about. I want a month to do nothing but dwell on this. Leave missing baggage and other documents for another time. I want to sight see and have evenings with wine while watching sunsets.  It felt good in the dream to have someone I trusted make the decisions and tell me to relax. Of course they are inner figures who have 'been there' before. I need time to (re)discover them internally. I do want to ‘work hard’ – but only at this.