A Bit About Friendship

 September 18, 2020

 

I am struggling to find that balance between routine and free-wheeling—mostly in things relating to writing and thinking—and reach the place where thoughts begin to flow creatively and move deeply into the heart of issues. Too much structure and I go blank and without any my mind becomes lethargic. I know that spot of euphoria though when they are just right. I have felt it in when I learnt music, when facilitating a group or counselling an individual, while training, or just being. 

 

Mostly right now I have erred on the side of being too lax and feel my mind settling into a torpor. Yet I hesitate to make any commitments of constancy or structure, but I know I need some internal discipline. I don’t like the current dullness. I almost feel like I have forgotten how to think.

 

I googled ‘how does one think’ and this is one of the things that popped up -- Thinking includes reasoning, reflecting, pondering, judging, analyzing and evaluating an idea or decision. It's using your mind in a creative, effective manner. Thinking tends to be productive, goal-oriented, action-oriented.

 

There are things I want to reflect on, analyse, ponder, decide. I’d like to delve more deeply into strained relationship with my friend. I’d like to gather my thoughts on the escalating India-China border conflict in Ladakh. I want to evaluate my handling of a situation involving infraction of rules around covid behaviour. I have a decision to make about a writing program. And there are more issues that wander in and out of my awareness that I make small dents into understanding more of, but I don’t pick one to dive into. Pick one then. Pick just one.

 

After the last chat with my friend I was left with questions about the limits of our friendship. I care about him deeply and would help him if he ever needed anything. But I feel like I can get close up to a certain place and no further. Each time we even reach this place, I feel like my friend needs a timeout. It’s happened twice before this and each time I have felt shut out quite forcefully. Felt I wasn't good enough the way I was. What our close ones think about us means so much. The first time I felt devastated, my self-esteem plummeted, and we took almost 18 months to reconnect. The second time it happened—I had sensed it coming and it hurt less but at that point I was weary of the pattern and didn’t want more, and I shut the door too. Yet I couldn’t let his birthday go by without wishing him and eight months later we resumed the friendship without analysing what had happened. Perhaps we should have. 

 

This time we are still talking and I want to ponder a bit more. I seem to accept the shape and size of this friendship. I don’t need it, but I enjoy it and look forward to time together. I trust it and don’t trust it, or something in it. My friend is trustworthy in the sense that confidences will not be betrayed but I don’t feel anymore that he will be there through all my heavy shadow times. Yet there is no anger or resentment as it feels like his ‘nature’ does not allow it. I used to think at one time that a friend was not a true friend if they weren’t there through dark times but age and experience has shifted that. I trust my sister and would not abandon her if she couldn’t handle my gloom. I would feel sad but would accept her the way she is. Why should I demand more from a friend?

 

Yet I feel it does limit our relationship. There are things I would never talk to my sister about. We choose friends for different reasons and this one was one I thought I could be myself totally with. But at some point he said I couldn't. I could if I was jolly but not if I was low. It feels like the friendship that began as a desired connection, grew with shared intimacies, has now has shrunk with ‘rules’ of engagement being defined. Feels like a poem with a sad ending, a flower that has begun to wilt. 

 

How do we handle things when I am feeling ‘negative’ and he wants to be positive? Do we walk away or does one of us not be who we need to be? I need to find a way out of the pattern, together, or by changing my internal self.

 

Overthinking it? What I googled about thinking went on to say — Obsessing, in contrast, is having your mind excessively focused on a single emotion or event. Time to shift gears, but this writing has given me thoughts and questions that might help us have a productive communication the next time we chat. No answers yet. Maybe one day we will grow into the answer but for now all I can do is keep asking the questions.