Moving on, perhaps

  

August 7, 2020

 

The Rama temple movement is still on my mind -- the way it has changed Indian politics since 1992 and has reached a place that will alter the form of India that was envisaged by our constitution, and by the peole that actually fought the freedom struggle, to a India shaped by the RSS who never played any part in this independence. 

 

I finally feel detached from it. Change is inevitable. Death is inevitable. And we definitely don’t always get what we wish. The current political dispensation has won and though I fear for the millions in India who are not Hindu and not men, and not in line with the RSS philosophy, I also feel it is time to move on to other fights and issues that probably can be influenced. This reality – of the foundations of a Hindu Rashtra -- we in India will be stuck with for a long time. But Hitler came and went and so will the current Hitlerian architects. 

 

Though I am not a practicing Hindu I do understand what Rama really stands for. But the Rama appropriated for political power is not this essence of Rama, and though I have never been a devout Hindu I find it reprehensible. I feel I did need to notice and speak this truth. 

 

I heard several newscasters talking about those who had started this movement, and came to power because of it, were not present at the temple ceremony. It reminded me that those who are proud of reshaping India today too will die and will not necessarily be remembered with any respect. For now, this is enough for me. This inner place of quiet I have found around this issue has not been easy to get to – have grappled with serious body symptoms and mental demons along the way -- and I don’t know if it will remain long-term. 

 

I have found myself recycling to the place of despair I felt when covid first started growing. It is not exactly the same but the lostness, the fear, and the lack of mental focus are the same. Two days ago, I shyly showed my friend a sketch I wanted to work on. He taught sculpting and painting in Canada and is much further along on the this path of art than I am or might reach. I had found a picture of Higaonna Sensei punching in shiko datchi -- probably taken at the Chinese Gardens in Naha -- determination on his face. My friend immediately began critiquing the work – and I took notes. Then he said, this is some picture (meaning the original photo and not my work). I look forward to seeing the finished product.

 

Instantly I said, I don’t have any time to work on it. My reaction came from fear – of course of not being good enough to capture the likeness and the core feeling sense of the picture. But also the fear that I have lost the ability to focus my attention on a task for too long. When I draw, I like to do quick sketches and work on some details but stop once a set time – normally less than an hour is done. At the end of the time I look at the drawing critically and make notes of what needs work. I don’t go back and draw the same image again but choose something different the next time. Nobody can get good at any skill by approaching it in this way. I argue that I don’t want to be a great artist, just draw for fun, for the way it absorbs me and relaxes my mind, but I know this is an excuse. What I don’t do with drawing I don’t do with many other things that I actually do want to get better in.

 

I remembered how I had lost concentration in the early days of  the covid outbreak and then in the last months found it again, somewhat atleast, and now it is gone again. I don’t know if it is connected to covid or just my own lack, or lethargy. But the stories of covid’s impact around the world are beginning to really get to me again. There was value in allowing myself to be sunk by it the first time, value for me in feeling the depth of that feeling, the absolute desperation, instead of merely trying to cope, but this time around I don’t want to be swept along with this effect but try to have some degree of awareness and control over how my mind and body are reacting. 

 

I think next week I will try to create time to work on this drawing and attack it like an artist would – draw a quick rough of form and shape, then make the transition to adding details and trying to perfect it. Attempting perfection in anything is worth it, and I think that effort translates into other stuff in my life too.