Banking woes

 August 14, 2020

 

I’ve been pondering a weird sense of humiliation and self-blame that I have been feeling around something. I’ve been struggling with two banking related issues. The first is related to online banking and the other to a securities account with the same bank.

 

The feelings around the first are clear. I have requested a feature of online banking to be activated since June and it has not been done yet. One of the reasons for the delay are some permissions needed as this is normally initiated in person and not online. I had the opportunity to take care of this when I visited India in January, but I didn’t have enough time and put it off till my next trip in early April – which never happened because the pandemic stopped travel. I feel frustration and anger that my relationship manager has been a bit negligent in pushing this through, and I feel regret that I didn’t do it in January. Yet I don’t feel critical of myself – how was I to know that I wouldn’t go back in April? Nor do I feel, ‘don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today’, one can’t do everything at once. We always have to pick and choose and prioritise, and if one cannot get to something, but later faces consequences, it’s pointless beating oneself up over it. Or so I think.

 

The other problem which has nothing to do with error or negligence on my part is the one causing the feeling of humiliation. It feels like I have been raped, but I feel shame and not the rapist.

 

My securities accounts from one branch were moved without my knowledge to another. I only found out because I needed to make a trade to ensure that my account wouldn’t go dormant – new stupid rule that if you don’t trade in the account in one year it goes dormant and the process of getting it activated is not pleasant. 

 

Anyway, when I called the person who had been managing my accounts, and doing a fine job, I was told. ‘They’ve been transferred. Haven’t you got an email?’

 

I hadn’t. This happened last Friday and since then I have tried everything to get in touch with the branch they have been transferred to – called the man who probably has the accounts now a countless times, called customer care (put on hold for up to 22 mins and haven’t yet talked to anyone at that end) but have got no response. The man who has the accounts now probably saw those calls from Singapore and asked an underling – one who has no authority to even email me to call me. She was sympathetic but powerless to help. 

 

As you can imagine I feel extreme anxiety, frustration, helplessness and impotent rage. But added to that is the feeling of shame and humiliation. I don’t get that. None of this is my fault. Those are my accounts and the bank is accountable to me – right?

 

I couldn’t understand my feelings. I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard time talking in public about it. It was hard even to stay with the irrational feeling, but this morning I sat down and let it do its worst within me. Then I spoke to my spouse and asked if he ever had felt that way. A trip through memories where in fact he had felt this way helped me to know that I was not the only one who has felt this. 

 

This man with my accounts has chosen to not respond to me, and the system has helped that. He is wrong, but he knows he will get away with it – or so I think. I think this experience tapped me directly into previous experiences where power structures have been used against me -- patriarchy, a person with psychological authority, another with social connections etc. Where doors of appeal were slammed shut, where there was no person at the other end who listened to my shouts; I felt helpless and then doubted myself and went silent.

 

It feels akin to all issues where powerful people hurt, harm, appropriate, demonise etc., fully knowing they will not have consequences. Then people who have been wronged begin to feel an unusually debilitating sense of self-worth. And just these psychological dynamics make it even harder to act to change these structures and we continue on with the s**t we have.

 

I know I am not saying anything new here, but I'm surprised with my feelings around this. BTW I'm still am struggling to regain control over my own accounts. I could kill somebody.