narrow uncertain goals

Right now I seem to have narrowed my future vision to a sharp beam of limited sight. I am so focused only on two things and the outcome of both is uncertain.

I wake up every morning with a stuffed head and pain in my back and right knee. I am working with a physio to strengthen the back and knee. He sometimes is surprised by the pace at which I keep going and my determination to do the stretches and exercises despite pain and fatigue. 

But I have an ulterior motive. In two weeks now I go for a week of training in Koh Samui where I hope that my back and knee hold up and I can complete the intense week of 35 hours of training and test for my nidan. It's uncertain whether my body will hold up through that week but I will do everything to push through except perhaps injure it permanently. Why I do it? Because it is there to be done. 

Once I push through my training session I shower and sit down to work on the third revision of my fantasy movel. The stuffed sinus makes it hard to think clearly. I shake my head grab a hot green tea with lemon and sit down with my laptop. Outside the construction noise pounds away - drilling, piling and who knows what else. All distractions - reasons to stop and just leave it all. 

I am beginning to really know the book, the characters, maybe even the heart. In quiet moments throughout the day I make decisions about what I really want the world to be. The books grown in size to about five hundred pages but it's uncertain whether it will ever exist in print. Yet I keep going at it. Sometimes I feel it's crap but everyday I just pull out one scene I am unhappy with and revise it and in the two weeks before I go I want to finish the work on all the sparse and un-flowing scenes. Again why I do I do it? Because it is there to do.

To have a time like this with such narrow and uncertain goals is an uneasy process. It's exhausting on so many levels. And exhilarating too. Anyone who's been there knows. Maybe three weeks from today I might know something more about the why of  these days of activity. But today all i can do is put on my shorts and head to the gym.