loss

i should really be finishing up the last scenes on the second draft of my novel. i might have said this before - this second draft probably is more like what an experienced writers first one would be. but thats ok. we all have to start someplace. and my two readers have given me amazing feedback which i hope i can integrate and have a much better third draft. i have a goal of finishing this draft before shibble arrives on sunday and with only 8 scenes to go i can see that happening. and once she comes there is much work to do together on a goal be both share.

but on this windy, thundery day i cannot really focus on that. so i am dropping out of my schedule and taking time to stare. the grey sky i see through the rain-spotted window pane suits me today. it allows my pensive mood in a way a sunny day would not. I am sad. we in our iogkf singapore dojo said farewell to our sensei last evening. 

i met sensei five years ago when i moved here. in the beginning the only constant and structure in my life here was the dojo. my growth path in karate was shaped a lot by the two sensei's in this singy dojo. it is a big loss. 

loss sweeps in change, sometimes before we are ready for it. it is a time to really gather the self, face those fears and insecurities and hopefully take a leap into the future. we have an amazing group of students committed in different ways to learning goju. there are many resources within the group to tap into. i am excited to see what will develop. but sometimes i also get nervous.

i guess for me it is time to step more fully into my authentic self. i am who i am and if i have the courage to just be with all my weaknesses and gaps in knowledge - i must trust that things around me will fall into place. the fears themselves will become a reason to dig deeper and find my own way through. the supports i need will manifest. the inner growth will continue and what i have learnt, about karate and about life, will form within me and will find a way to express itself and be useful to others. 

ultimately each step takes me to the naked core. the me without masks. i feel like standing open armed,  under the falling rain and inviting in new life.