if the world were to end next year

written july 27, 2011.....

yesterday we were having a conversation. the world will end next year said the owl. i said who cares and it probably wont. nothing nice thats predicted ever happens..
how the world ending a nice thing? bewildered.. indignant..

well have u seen the news this year? disasters, violence, death, financial crisis, more death and violence. an extremist kills teenagers in one of the most peaceful countries of this world. do i need say more.
if floods came i would not even bother to save myself.

the warrior still sleeps. maybe the warrior would not give up so easily. fight for life? fight for the world?

so the owl said then u have one year to live then. so how would u live this year?

splits

i dont get it.
there is a part of me that doesnt care to get it. numb. angry. alternating between the two.

and part that wants to know why suddenly everything inside changed.

in a strange city. i long for the feeling of home. the feeling of arriving. of happiness and smiles.
i wonder where they have gone.
i wasn't always like this. though i don't really remember what i was like.

i dreamt i was in a strange place and my partner was there with me. there was a menacing stranger in the space too. my partner seemed not to notice and left me there with the menacing stranger. the stranger smiled. i felt scared. i tried to seem like i didn't feel the fear. i walked slowly to the door but my hand fumbled. it felt like a rubber hose. i could not control it. i could not open the door. i paniced. my heartbeat accelerated. i tried to seem calm. the stranger smirked and opened the door. i mumbled a thank you and rushed out. i had thought i would be safe once outside but my heart sank. it was dark outside and there was nobody in sight. if i screamed nobody would hear. the stranger was behind me.

are the warrior and the owl different or same energies?
its noon in a strange land. its a strange day. the owl sleeps and the warrior is weary. then all that remains awake is me. who is also a bit not really here..

in a strange city. after 2 years it still remains strange. there are still spaces that are deep, dark and unknown. and it echoes within me.

if one believes that everything happens with a reason then i can accept this strange city experience more easily. but does it really or is it just a belief created to make one feel better in circumstances that are not quite appealing?

can we just be w/o the armors of our beliefs?

i am lonely today. seeking some answers to questions that are yet not formed.