reaching out

yes, the warriors been dormant too long. her nature almost lost.
i have forgotten what it feels like to really burn. burn in the fires of passion and rage. rage can be destructive but it can be such a cleansing energy. clearing away the debris and making space for the new. if i dont rage at what really matters things accumulate within, slowing me down - making me heavy and dense.
i dont want to merely blow off steam but stand strong and express the things i feel strongly about.


there are some spaces i just cannot imagine. i can imagine killing to save my family or to save another life. i can imagine the inner space of a person who kills the perpetrator of a crime because justice has been denied her. what if someone murdered your child after torturing him horribly for days? what if he didnt repent and you felt he would do it again. would you kill? would you risk going to prison or facing the death penalty for that?
playing god some would say or an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. me, in principle i believe in reconstructive justice. that every criminal needs the chance to change. but if it were my child  - what would i do?
and if i did nothing except pray to god how would i live the rest of my life?
yes, the warrior is figuring out her beliefs about life and death and who decides.

the owl is wondering what kind of intense emotion it would take to pick up a gun and kill kids in a school, people on the streets, in a cafe. i have trouble entering that space. i cant imagine what feelings lead to such hopeless killing. it must be so tormented. how long does it take for such a painful emotion to ferment into a killing rage. and where are all the people gone who would take notice of that lone persons anguish? are they also in pain?

i, myself do believe that our world would be better without guns in it. but more than that i believe it would be better if we stopped and asked each other - including the sad stranger on the seat next to me on the bus if they were ok. often i see people in pain - their furrowed faces, tense eyes and mouth and crumpled bodies - i find myself wanting to reach out but stop myself. i feel i would be intruding on their private space. maybe they would appreciate some kindness from a stranger?

the warrior is also thinking of what courage it would take to simply reach out to the next sad stranger.

transformation

transformation...

when a transformation is physical it is easily visible. but how does one track transformations that are inner?
there was a time when i didn't need to answer that question. i knew. even when nothing was visible i felt it. now confused and disoriented i wonder often. how will i know?

the city is less strange than it used to be. its a city i can lose mySelf in. a pleasant and unpleasant feeling. its a city where sometimes i yearn for deeper connections like i never yearned before. its also still a city where i feel i am not living the life i want to live. hearing a long time resident of this city say the same made me feel - relieved i guess. we are still seeking the life we want to live?

a worry gnaws me. i don't know where it comes from but it is visible - in the tensed muscles of my forehead, the circles under my sunken eyes. the lips that turn down and need reminders to turn up. its harder some weeks to really find the smile under all that anxiety. the breath that comes easily and breathes itself. i don't know what the worry is. something from a distant future that grips me.

i think i am transforming but i cannot track it. the butterfly is a completely different life form from the larva, the pupa. the pupa, the still stage - it looks still at least - but more is going on then at the very cellular level. the butterfly is nothing like the caterpillar. most butterflies die is a few weeks. a few weeks of free spirited flying and creating. in some ways the easiest energy to be.

sometimes i don't value the pupa enough. sometimes i love it the best.

i think i am a caterpillar today. feeding frenzy. no i am the observer. a scattered one though.

the warrior is finally figuring out what she will die for, what she will kill for. at one time she knew these things but forgetting and remembering is good.

its been a while

Its been a while since I created this.
The owl and the warrior. Two energies, two inner personalities that want to be known. Yes, i know them just a bit yet.
The warrior is dormant. The warrior maybe going through a crisis of faith.
The owl is quietly understanding himself.

The warriors crisis of faith. Is it the tiring, ailing body that the crisis comes from or is the crisis creating the illness in the body. The spirit ails. It has no goals. Temporarily feels without a passion - even martial arts feels like a drag.
I drag myself to the dojo. Once there i am happy, most of the time.
My partner says I am more ill than I let on and its natural to feel this way.
I wonder.
I can't remember the last time I felt without passion. If someone asked what i would die for... erm.. besides family and friends I would say I don't really know...
But in some ways i know what outrages me.
Inequality, War, Violence, Innocence crushed by greed, hunger, poverty, greed
All very vague yet, very diffuse...
Once I was clear what motivated me. Now i don't know.

if the world were to end next year

written july 27, 2011.....

yesterday we were having a conversation. the world will end next year said the owl. i said who cares and it probably wont. nothing nice thats predicted ever happens..
how the world ending a nice thing? bewildered.. indignant..

well have u seen the news this year? disasters, violence, death, financial crisis, more death and violence. an extremist kills teenagers in one of the most peaceful countries of this world. do i need say more.
if floods came i would not even bother to save myself.

the warrior still sleeps. maybe the warrior would not give up so easily. fight for life? fight for the world?

so the owl said then u have one year to live then. so how would u live this year?