December 31, 2025
The good news first (not that failing is bad news)!
My kidney function stabilised. It feels like a miracle. After a sudden deterioration which normally is a sign of kidneys beginning to fail, they seem to be recovering. One thing that helped could be stopping the ayurvedic powder I has begun to take in October for my digestive issues. But I think the major change came after a deep dive into naming and trying to remove the psycho-spiritual toxins from my body-mind system. I hadn’t done this seriously, almost as if I thought, nah that is voodoo and it won’t help, but then the spouse had an anxiety dream from which he woke crying out, I don’t want to be alone. Wake up call for me! I deepened the cleansing and it seems to have helped. Some reading this might still think it’s voodoo.
But the title of this post is ‘the year of failing spectacularly’. On the last day of 2025 I am making this list, which I hope is a reminder and an instigator for change in the new year.
I failed in improving the relationship with my sister. It is complex and personal in a way I don’t yet want to blog about. She is a private person, so private that she doesn’t talk to me too about herself. She says it is because she doesn’t know how to express emotions and that’s true, yet in the past I have been able to guess and make shifts that improved our conflicts. We still are sisters and there are very warm and supportive moments but there are moments of separation that are painful. I can guess some of the factors that might be creating distance, but I don’t know for sure and I have failed in making the relationship what I want it to be.
I failed in supporting my spouse enough. In fact, I left almost all the house-care — including weekly shop and cooking meals to him by the end of the year. When I noticed this, I tried to be more useful but as the months progressed, I became more and more usefless.
I failed in my creative pursuits. There is only one complete piece of writing that I feel happy about in this entire year. I wrote that piece in March for an online class. It is about the Pahalgham attack by terrorists on tourists in which they killed twenty-six men. All my other writing this year has been fragmentary and uninspired, and I haven’t been able to reflect on why. Maybe there is no ‘why’ and all I can do is notice it. I’ve been in a paralysis of bringing things together or revising things with promise. I also failed in my sketching pursuits, unless you consider simply doing the same thing without any improvement again and again ok. I’m not actively trying to improve but in the past regular practice had made my sketches ‘artier’ but this year my sketchbooks have only a few things that I feel pleased with.
I won’t write about karate because considering my knee I feel I might have done ok there. In fact, on the last Saturday of training ten of us completed the 108 kata challenge — a tradition I began in 2013 first for myself and then for the dojo. Four were ‘minty’ new white belts. Three others in our dojo also completed it at home. I couldn’t be prouder. The kyu grades and I spoke about it after and one asked me what I had been thinking as I did it. I can truly say that except the first five repetitions which I did in synch with the new white belts and during which I was focused on seeing if they needed help — I was in my body, present to the moment for the rest of the 103. My mind didn’t wander through the corridors of the year’s failures or future hopes. It was just there minutely following the movements and the stresses my body was feeling and recovering from by breathing. That is one huge success for me.
I hope I don’t sound self-absorbed or self-flagellating. I don’t feel the latter, though I am likely the former. It’s a record of 2025 and I’m ok about it today, though I have joined my inner critic in beating myself up about it often this year. If one must fail then doing it spectacularly is the way to go.
Would love to hear about your 2025 or your hopes for 2026. Happy New Year everyone!!
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