Worst Trip Ever

February 18, 2025

            How do you write about personal terrible things in a meaningful way? It’s not that I only share great things that happen to me, but ongoing chronic body symptoms can sound whiny. I could write about other things on my mind, but constant pain and discomfort are hard to completely ignore. I’ve avoided writing the mostly weekly post because I am not sure what to say or how. 

            I took a flight to Bombay a week and a half ago. I had a very slight cold and a knee/ankle pain level of two. I was walking normally. The day after I woke with a cough and my sis called up a doctor. She put me on antibiotics, a syrup that disoriented me, and some kind of decongestant that also made me woozy. Nothing helped much and the phlegmy coughing went on and on and on and today too it continues despite seeing another doctor, last week on Friday, and more meds. I avoided meeting my mom, afraid of passing on the infection to her. My sis felt comfortable around me, so we chatted and hung out a bit together but as the cough worsened, she too felt anxious about being around me. Yet I wore masks and helped her with the work she was doing. Unfortunately, this involved a lot of standing and my bad leg worsened and even now with reduced steps, icing, heating and, and some physio, it is unstable and I cannot put weight on it. It also crumbled under me three times and each time I felt intense pain that aggravated the symptom. Now, I fear I have damaged it further from the point of not needing surgery, to I might need it now. Can that happen or is it a fear I have? That we all probably have when ill—imagine the worst while hoping for the best. 

            I’m trying to make sense of why I didn’t prioritize self-care and made this trip. If I been thinking clearly, I probably would have postponed, got some physio and strengthening, and then come. I think I didn’t want to disappoint my sister who was so excited about my being here. I feel guilty to leave her with so much here and I wonder what to do about it. The only thing is to be here whenever I can and help as much as possible then. 

            But this time I came and got both a chronic respiratory infection (Bombay flu made worse by smog) and worsened my leg to the point where I can’t walk. I keep hoping both will get better but some part of me knows they are unlikely to —the first until I leave this smoggy city and the second I don’t even know when, and what is wrong. I hope I don’t have to get another MRI but it looks like I might. So ya, worst trip ever. Not because I got sick but because the respiratory infection kept me from sitting with my mum which is the main purpose of these trips. 

            I need to reflect on why self-care didn’t come first and the levels of stupidity fueled by other emotions — like guilt and wanting to make my sis happy — led to this flawed choice. I don’t know if you have made choices to please someone when you have been ill which have led to you being iller? What made you choose what you did? 

            While sitting by myself a lot this time I found I couldn’t focus on reading. I brought two books with me Barbarian Days, a surfing memoir and Tender is the Night. I did a few sketches, and watched the news but mostly watched videos on making art and on art materials which hopefully I will never buy because I doubt if I will use them as I have a ton of unused stuff at home. I am one of those who is addicted to art materials which I use a fraction of and then while clearing give away to others who do use it joyfully. 

            The news preoccupying me has been people killed in stampedes in India while visiting the Maha-Kumbh, a huge festival on the banks of the Ganges that occurs only every few years when a certain configuration of planets happens, and the coverups involved so the people of India remain unaware of the numbers that died. The other news is Trump and Musk, particularly the meeting with Modi—the press conference and Modi’s speech where he said MAGA and MIGA become a MEGA partnership. I have been thinking why both America and India need to be great again. What was great about them at one point, what supposedly went wrong so they are now not great, and what the two leaders' method of making the countries great involves. Do the countries become great or do the methods make things worse. Of course, there are polarized opinions in both countries about this. In India, the method of making India Great seems to be to create fear, and victimhood and bring back regressive Hindu cultural ideas (like caste and gender oppression, and xenophobia), and mobilize Hindus towards a Hindu State. Of course, it leaves a trail of religious division, hatred, and violence which the country will take decades to recover from but supposedly it will Make India Great Again. I love seeing how more people are speaking up against this but even more still advocate it and Modi is set to remain in power for a long while yet. 

            It’s fun to watch satirists make fun of both leaders. Though in general, I don’t like comedy that depends on putting someone down. 

            If you are the praying kind please pray for my leg. If you are the type who sends positive healing vibes please do that for me. Love and Thanks to those who do pray. There are all sorts of chronic pains and not all are equal. This leg pain which leads to impaired mobility is unbearable for me. A lot to process on so many levels.