Faffing Day Two

January 4, 2022

 

It’s day 2 of my faffing week. Yesterday I finished reading a novel I had begun on the 1^st, then sorted piles of paper in my writing room. Filed some where they can be found again, but mostly created a stack that had to be shred. I took my i-pad down to the gym and a new season of Cobra Kai stared at me when I opened Netflix. I binge watched it for the rest of the evening, and then began catching up on news from India. 

 

The Governor of Meghalaya had made some crazy statements about his conversation with the PM and HM. He called the PM arrogant and said the HM had said the PM had gone mad. It was hard to believe this but more importantly I wondered who this guy was that criticized the BJP but wasn’t removed by them from his governor’s post? A BJP person said that the PM was an institution and should not be criticized but no other clarification was made or action taken about the governor’s statements. Of course, everyone was talking about Omicron and vaccinations of 12–18 year olds that had begun yesterday. We hadn’t met the 100% vaccination of all eligible by year end goal, the BJP had promised after it botched up the second wave but nobody was talking about that. I guess great press management to divert from all that was not achieved works? 61% both doses, and 80% first dose became huge accomplishments. The Bulla Bai app, which was auctioning Muslim women, outspoken ones, who criticized the government, was also the topic of conversation. It scares me that not all women, most women, more women, in India are speaking about it. I mean yes right now the target is Muslim women, but it could be any woman soon? That is the way such things have worked through history. Allow bullying of a certain type of population and you have opened the door for more general bullying.

 

I am allowing my mind to un-stretch. At times I feel it happening. Strangely there is more space inside as it relaxes and contracts. I guess the mind, and self, being stretched are different from an elastic band being stretched? I mean if I drew dots on the band while it was stretched, they would be closer, denser, when the band relaxed. The mind on the other hand feels full of empty spaces suddenly. The fears and worries that crop up no longer feel menacing and impossible. In the stretched mind which felt constantly tense any small thing created acid creating anxiety. This mind absorbs stressy things, neutralizes them.

 

I had said some time ago that I had forgotten how to relax. It still feels true. But perhaps the extreme and constant tense state I was in until the 31^st is helping me know the other end — the relaxed state — and how it feels in body and mind. The goal is to be able to slide between the two easily. Or perhaps even be relaxed while tensing up to be focused. That reminded me of something a Senior Sensei had said about Tensho — a combination of a tight tanden, and lower limbs, with loose upper body and limbs. 

 

But already on day 2, I sense a part of me making plans for the day instead of allowing it to unfold naturally. Like the books I want to finish reading, because I have to return them, I am calculating how many pages a day I need to read so I can finish them on time. I could decide to not finish them, right? I woke wanting to draw and a part of me would have scheduled it into the hours, but a friend reminded me — ‘stop you said faffing don’t make plans now to draw.’ I have a lot to learn here. 

 

I haven’t yet wanted to go out though I feel sitting in cafes would be relaxing. Those piles of papers, magazines, journals strewn around my writing space were feeling too invasive. In the weeks I concentrated on my goals, I tuned it all out. Narrowed my focus but now they loom large in my consciousness. Today I cleared magazines and filed away journals in drawers which I labeled with green sticky tags. Then sat on my futon and stared out at Kallang Leisure and the Indoor Stadium under a greying sky. It was very soothing. I wish it was this easy to find a soothing view out of my brain. But I feel it happening. 

 

I wonder what will be welcomed into the inner spaces when they feel clearer? I am beginning to wonder about 2022 too, though it feels dangerous to make plans.