November 19, 2020
This morning I woke wanting a different kind of day from the one I was supposed to follow. Thursday is the one day of the week with nothing planned, the day when I can catch up on the nano word deficits — and that was indeed the plan. But as if to give me what I wanted, a different day, a few unexpected stresses cropped up this morning. A part of me gleefully declared that nobody could be blamed for being distracted or not writing with so much going on, and I gave myself up to addressing the problems that had cropped up. Besides these issues and dynamics were fodder for the book I convinced myself.
Many hours later I feel drained and guilty. And not guilty too. I did need a break from relentless writing, with my red-tinged, burning eyes so close to my words that I couldn’t see the whole picture. And I do need to see it, particularly because though I have two stories I want to write I don’t know whether they fit together or whether I am forcing them together. Without looking up, looking away, seeing askance even, I couldn't know, could I? And being 25,000 words into the story I needed to before wasting more days or energy on the story.
An inner critic scoffs. Lazy, that’s what you are, it says. You don’t have the stamina to do the month of writing. Ya, ya, I’ve heard you say that you’ve done it before. But you don’t have it now, do you? You are a quitter.
And part of me hangs my head in shame. I am a quitter, it agrees.
I can tie my mind up in knots for hours debating both sides of this —
One needs distance to craft the story well.
Writing is more than mere spewing of words for days on end.
You are a quitter.
You don’t have it anymore.
— for I do believe both sides of this issue, but I need to choose. I need to do one thing and forever lose the chance to do the other. I can keep writing and risk having to throw almost all of it away, and lose ten more days of this month, days I can never get back, but if I do this I will prove that I still have the stamina to do it. Or I can examine what I have and decide its value, lose a writing day or two and not end up anywhere close to the 50,000 target.
25,000 words in I do need to decide if it is worth diving further in. And it is easier to just wake up and keep typing for days on end than to look at the work objectively and see its worth, or lack of.
You are a quitter.
Nano is useful, nano is good. But I need to do my own version of nano.
You are a quitter.
I need to read some things too before continuing. I need some history and I need some group psychology. I need to read Shakespeare and learn about demagogues.
Mere excuses to quit.
I was telling a friend yesterday about this. Being an artist he agreed that I needed to step out and see things. He also said to stay with the stories and not give up on fitting the two together. That some part of me knew they did fit, and it would be hard work to make them fit effortlessly but subtly.
It is 3:22 pm. I haven’t done any writing on 'unnamed'. I have solved some problems, drunk cups of tea and eaten a cookie or two. But my head hurts — like it is overloaded. I know that whatever else I am doing, I am also thinking of the two stories and the amount of research and reading I might need to do to continue writing and blending them smoothly. It’s not what I know how to do yet.
Gym break overdue.
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