Still troubled

July 2, 2020

Feeling so much. Having trouble grounding myself in the here and now – here in Singy. My mind, my heart and more is pulled and pulled elsewhere. 

Here in Singy, we are opening up cautiously. Some people feel it’s too soon and are staying in still. Some people are rushing out and going back to their pre-covid behaviour. But we are opening up and there will be elections soon. Everyone is talking about that. There is a sense of life, of hope, of moving forward. 

In Bombay the death toll keeps rising, there is a sense that the plot has run away with itself, that there is absolutely no control left. I hear of people I know losing their elders to covid, other friends worried because there have been covid cases in the building they are living in, my aunt is in hospital and her diabetes is out of control. Ketoacidosis has her family hanging on the edge. My sister who has been coping without any help and caring for our mother alone has body symptoms. People are dying, jobless, hungry and scared. I worry, worry, worry. I am there and not here. 

I find myself feeling helpless, longing, longing so much for some news of relief. Some sign of let up in the relentless covid spread in India, which is now 4^th place, but by tomorrow will be at 3^rd place, in the worldometer coronavirus stats. I feel angry – at this nasty, invisible, all powerful thing. God is invisible and all powerful too, and though I was brought up in a religious family, I have never really had a sense of God as benevolent and caring. I feel apprehensive as I write this – I don’t want to offend anyone. I also don’t want to be judged for what I feel -- that God plays dice with the Universe and he needs to be reported to social services for the havoc/abuse wreaked on much of humanity. 

Two days ago, I listened to Ravish Kumar. He was talking about the custodial death of the two men in Tamil Nadu. He reconstructed the events in a sort of story board. I found it hard to watch the unfolding of the around twelve hours of torture the father and son went through. Then the forced medical certificate of wellness and the magistrate signing the remand request without even seeing the men. All this because the men allegedly refused to shut down their shop during lockdown hours. 

The men were beaten relentlessly, they were stripped and allegedly sexually tortured by the police. What gave the Police the right or reason to do this? I just could not connect the degree of torture to their supposed crime -- they didn’t shut down their shop. I mean police are not allowed to punish anyone even for worse crimes, are they? Courts and processes are required. But I kept wondering if I would be able to torture anyone – for anything – in the way the police tortured these two? What internal inhibitions, controls, moral codes, compassion would I need to drop to do something so horrific? What conditions allow one to lose all humanity? Even if extreme trauma might push someone to this – the policemen had experienced no such events, had they?

It feels like a lot of people who occupy positions of power lose their compassion, their humility and capacity to connect to the life and right to life of others. They feel entitled to the things and actions, that are detrimental to others. And knowing you can get away with it – that nobody can touch you – makes it even more easy to be uncaring. There seems to be a thrill in destroying another that I don’t really understand. 

I thought of the times I have been mean and got away with it – the only things I suffered were pangs of my conscience and deep regret. But it stopped me from behaving in that way again. Who would I be, I wondered, if instead getting away with meanness gave me a high and I wanted to do it again and again?

It feels like I hear of fewer instances where misuse of power is punished and more where such people continue to flourish. It is very satisfying to feel that indeed, ‘what goes around comes around.’ But don’t see much of that. 

Police atrocities in India seem on the rise. Or maybe more are being recorded now. Ravish interviewed a man who analyses these atrocities – by religion, by economics, gender etc. The man said that we have these stats and we will continue collecting them but no reform, no change is anywhere in sight.

And God is all powerful. Has power gone to his head? Who monitors and ‘punishes’ God? This feels blasphemous enough and I will stop this thought here.  

Desperate right now – just to hear a story of someone getting their just dues. It is very satisfying to see this happen, and though in fiction I see this I haven’t seen real justice in a long time, particularly in India. Deeply troubled and finding it hard to stay in my body.

Here too as things open up, I find new challenges. Very tiny ones compared to much of the world. I went to the physio on Monday because my ankle, an old recurring injury, had swollen up humongously. When she asked me to lie down for my treatment, I had a panic attack – dizziness, nausea, increased heartbeat. It felt so abnormal. I wanted to tear off the mask and take in long gasps of air. But instead I kept a calm facade and worried how I would manage my body and mind till I got home with it on my face. Today I fear putting on a mask – and I have to go out and will have one on for five hours.

Feeling too much. I don't want to be here or in Bombay. I want to curl into a cocoon and be woken up when covid is gone.