not saying anything really

June 3, 2020,

Today I am sitting on my bed. It’s getting harder for me to bring the body tension down after going out for the weekly grocery trail – Cedele, Cold Storage, Marks, Fair Price. Fair Price is normally a nightmare. No distancing especially in the fruit and veggie section and today there were dozens of filled carts just sitting alone blocking aisles. I waited patiently for my turn to pick out fruit but masked faces breathed into my ear as arms reached over my shoulder impatiently. People were pushing past everywhere, making physical contact, not really careful anymore. 

But ya, the circuit breaker is supposedly easing and there are no fines for not safe distancing in public transport, where the seats one cannot sit on are no longer crossed out -- which actually feels a bit scary rather than 'eased'. My brain is having a hard time finding its way around things. All the things I love are still restricted. Most people are still working from home, libraries are closed indefinitely, no meetings allowed with friends, I cannot go see our cats, and the seats along the river are still taped up. Infection numbers in the community are low, and I should feel safe, but the messaging through the govt around masks and distancing in work places has increased, so the combination of signals makes me uneasy. I still come home and rush into the shower and then spend a good part of an hour sanitizing the purchases. Sigh.

Small woes compared to the huge issues in the world. But today it seems endless and I feel a long tiredness. I don’t want to do it anymore. I see the posters at the protests, ‘I can’t breathe’. The last words of George Floyd.

I can’t breathe too. My sinuses are now perennially blocked. It's another day where thoughts are too scattered to gather into a bunch that I can arrange into words on a page. In our email group one day we spoke of how the small griefs, and difficulties and depressions we felt around the lockdown even though we were safe in our homes were as valid as the huge traumas faced by those homeless,  hungry, walking on roads, far from family etc. If we can't feel our own pains how can we truly feel those of others. 

I am listening to some experts talking about the cyclone in Bombay. They haven’t had one in 100 years and the experts are saying that with Climate Change there might be more. A bit earlier I heard political leaders discussing it. It sounded like they didn’t understand that this might not be a one time thing. They didn’t get Climate Change. Like they don’t really get that there are protests all over the world not just because one man from a marginalized group was killed by another with more social rank and power, but because there are deeper un-eases coalescing. 

Waiting. Sensing something different will unfold. We need a different kind of political leadership now. Earlier in my Wednesday afternoon chat, we had talked of the unease, the unhappiness of people with the current socio-political order. Not sure if the overlying covid-19 situations will facilitate the changes we need or the fear around it will just help maintain the status quo. One of us felt that the inversion has to happen, another felt that fear will prevent people from voting differently and the third was undecided, observing and waiting. 

More than ever we need to have conversations about everything. Listen, discuss, churn.