Who would have thought that stability is a restless
pain that is harder to endure than unpredictable change? This year has felt so
heavy, so ‘draggy’ and i have had a hard time trying to describe my emotions during
it. My journal entries have been terse, tinged with sadness bordering on
depression. It is only during the last month of 2015 when the need to find
and make sense of the themes and patterns of the year has quickened that i have
finally pushed past, or rather slipped through the cracks of, the walls that
have kept me from reaching my core essence all year.
This year has been the most stable year of all in the last or perhaps even the last two decades. Two decades of fairly constant change and
upheaval. Anyone would think that a year or two of stability would be welcome.
Unfortunately i railed against it. I constantly dug at the ground around my
feet refusing to let it and myself settle and find comfort. Not a good choice – i could have used the time to integrate and heal.
I have realised that i am one of those people that do not handle
stability well for with stability comes a despairing lack of progress and a decaying
feeling of standing still as the world around changes and grows. Sure, those previous
years of insecurity were terribly exhausting on the spirit but they also were times of constant transformation, of dragons hatching from stones and
of unicorns emerging from cocoons. I cannot say that i have not yearned for
peaceful times then but when they finally arrived i hated them.
What can i say – i perhaps am also one of those people who
find it hard to be content and relax into the moment that is? I have a long
journey to get to that space of enlightened peace which includes both shifting
impermanence and solid calmness. From having experienced this space at least
once in this lifetime i know too that it is merely a stop, a temporary space,
which i come to after an outwardly spiralling path which both widens and deepens me but
takes me away from this spot again and again.
So yes today once again, i have, as Eliot says, arrived where i started only to know the place for the first time. The year of
procrastination and drifting, of finishing a book but not to my satisfaction,
of feeling that i have accomplished nothing makes sudden sense. If nothing else i have learnt how not to do things - and that is huge.
The owl and the warrior have felt bereft for much of the
year. Peering over the edge into 2016 all they see today is mists with vaguely
formed possibilities. They know it will be a year of shedding and letting go
for the other theme of 2015 has been death – both external and internal.
Fortunately internal Death is an energy, an archetype they understand better
than stability. Mostly because they sense they have re-birth to look forward
to.
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