Today

Today I want to write to explore a thought in my head about the value of negative feelings. Even as I write this I find myself not liking the word negative so I replace it with uncomfortable.

Feelings that make my body and mind uncomfortable, restless or confused. I guess some part of me values comfort, peace and clarity over the above feelings. 

Last year I had a falling out with a friend who was a believer of positive psychology and appreciative inquiry. He believed that negative feelings when left to themselves multiplied and grew and took over the mind. He had learnt to tap away negativity and emerge comfortable and happy. 

I on the other felt that each uncomfortable state of mind and body contain an inner core of truth that call to be felt and assimilated. These so called negative feelings need to be unfolded and this for me is a necessary aspect of awareness. 

Both of us were seekers. He looked at the path of positivity and I leant towards finding my truths from my shadow. We talked and explored and perhaps even assimilated each others beliefs but in the end my shadow was too heavy for him, he felt it engulfed him and made it that much harder for him to reach his light. 

He walked away, I was hurt and without realising it I began breathing away my pain. That was not that hard to do and I did find I could quite easily turn away from it and reach a state of peace. Perhaps I even needed to do this as the years crises suddenly felt overwhelming. But somewhere within the surface calmness I sensed something simmering. A powerful water serpent, strong open jaws, enclosed inside a mountain, writhing and swimming from one end to the other of its' mountain walls, twisting and turning its long neck. Roaring silently. Wanting to get out, energy building into an explosive frenzy.

Bombay. The year finally began losing its intense and fearful hold on me and I breathed more easily, more naturally, resting in each moment. I did a long overdue blood test which showed some high liver values.

It was only this monday that I began to feel how much I had lost of my essence in breathing away my pain without first knowing it accurately. So today I decide to notice and meticulously name a discomfort, a negative feeling before I breathe it away. I feel this might help to detoxify my liver.

It was in 1999 that I had such elevated liver function values. Much more than today. I was emerging from a very painful, poisonous time. Longer and more intense than last year. Authentic connection to the toxins finally freed me from them.

Everyone has a different path to the truth. Of course for me some paths are more inclusive. Something about Singapore and perhaps the world prefers the path of positivity. For me that path excludes the essence of me and the path of staying close to my shadow, where everything I can ever feel or be resides, is more inclusive. Maybe this year I will find I am wrong in holding this view but today it feels good to just clarify what I believe and try to live it deeply.