day 20

Its another gorgeous, clear day here. Makes me smile and prance. 

Its been a long tiring week which has swept in another imminent change. This week our Sensei told us that he would be leaving Singapore later this year. This heavy news shocked me. This is the third Sensei I will be losing in the five years that I have been in Singapore. But this time it brings with it more change than the previous two times. This time it leaves me and the other black belt in our dojo to continue the iogkf tradition here.

In all the things I have wanted to do in my life, teaching karate was never one of them. I have many friends who would like to have their own dojo's some day but it has never been something I have wanted to take responsibility for. I knew karate would always be a part of my life but it was one of those things that I was content to be an eternal student of. Honestly, I never felt that I would  ever learn enough in this lifetime to make me capable of teaching it some day. There are huge fears to step into this role. So, this change is not only external but a change that I have have to work from within.

Though I am stunned by this change some part of me remains unsurprised. Since I had the first dream that called me to karate in 2003 it has always brought change and deep insight into my life. Even though its unfolded slowly at the edges of everything else I do it has become a way of life. Something that is not just about fitness or self defence but a path of psychological and spiritual growth. With every breath and movement it brings me deeply into the present moment like meditation has never quite done. It also challenges me and forces me to expand the boundaries of what I can do and be. Perhaps it is time to try to impart what I have learnt? But it is hard to embrace this identity - its way outside my comfort zone. 

The word Sensei can be translated as 'one who has gone before.' Implying someone whose teaching comes from the wisdom of experience. There is much that I have learnt from each Sensei I have encountered, both about karate and about the qualities that I would want to embody as a human being. I have been blessed for being called to this deep tradition with an abundance of great teachers that have enriched me. Such a gift needs to be passed along. 

Fortunately this change is still in some distance away and I can allow it to stew in the background. Today I grapple with the realisation that it's only twelve more days before I leave. I have much to get done if I want to leave feeling light and empty to fully enjoy the trip.